Good Morning Sunshine

The latest incarnation of the paint room aka art studio, in which I have spent hours moving things around and minutes actually working on stuff.

The latest incarnation of the paint room aka art studio, in which I have spent hours moving things around and minutes actually working on stuff.

There isn’t a lot of sunshine yet today, but that’s okay.  We’re having gorgeous autumn weather into the last ten days of September.  Six work shifts to go.  I know countdowns are bad, and a form of wishing your life away while you wait for something to end or begin or happen but I’m doing it anyway.  Anticipation is half the fun, right?

On my second last working Wednesday, all alone between six and eight with no appointments and no customers and no real ambition, I decided to write down all the things I will miss about work when I’m finally done with it on the last day of this month.  I took a sheet of paper out of the printer, got one of my three erasable pens out of my pocket (there must always be three) and sat down to write a list.  Things I will miss.  Ten minutes crawled by.  Everything I thought of was something I actually wouldn’t miss at all.  In fact I knew I would be beside myself with relief and happiness to never have to deal with that shit again.  So then I divided the paper in two and on the second half started a list of things I will NOT miss.  I filled up that side and the entire back with such a pile of work related crap it put me in a totally pissy mood.  I should not be left alone on Wednesday nights.  I’ve always said that, but no one listens.

While this process was all very cathartic, I won’t be sharing my list of negativity from hell.  Going over it once was enough.  Indisputable proof that it’s time to walk away.

W is coming home today.  He’s been in Ontario at the island closing things up for the winter.  He’s bringing my water-color paint supplies home with him.  I can’t remember why I thought it was a good idea to leave them there, but now I’ll have fewer excuses for stifling my creative urges as I amass all my tools and gather ideas and look up art classes.  Plan projects, get organized, have another cup of coffee, read some blogs, play some candy crush, make a pot of soup…..

Is it a little sad that procrastination is my favourite thing in the world?   (Except for reading for hours and watching bizarre things on Netflix.  I never put those things off.)   If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I’ve been headed in that direction forever.  I do entire blog posts in my head in the middle of the night on my brilliant blog where I discuss brilliant things.  Then dawn breaks and work looms and Netflix sends me a notice that some dumb thing I’ve been watching has new episodes.  So the brilliance is put on hold.  Or forgotten.

Well, it’s an interesting theory/excuse, hey?

No, I’m not really buying it either.  But my point is (YES!  I have a POINT!) work will no longer loom.  Huge chunks of stress will dissolve right before my eyes.  I will have to find something completely different to get all pissy about.  I will answer more prompts and accept more challenges.  Or at the very least, drum up the courage to share my artistic creative genius.  You people are all really nice and will humor me on that one, right?  Thank you, I knew I could count on you.

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Ten days.  Six shifts.  Gorgeous fall weather.  Paint supplies en route to home.  Oh yeah, and W too.

Life is good and about to get better.

The Way It Seems To Me

Qualia

Qualia (Photo credit: RalphJB)

Prompts for the Promptless:  Qualia (single form, quale) is a term that refers to the individual, conscious, subjective elements of experiences. Examples of qualia are the pain of a headache, the taste of wine, or the perceived redness of an evening sky.  In other words, qualia refers to “the way things seem to us”.

I’ve been procrastinating and avoiding this subject because I like to think I’m perfectly normal.  Who isn’t reluctant to admit the possibility of some sort of inner weirdness.  But I suppose if I never admit it, I’ll never know if there are other people out there who experience the same thing.  I have made vague references to it in conversations, or given out random hints, but the reaction is always confusion and skepticism, and then we just talk about the weather.

I’ve already admitted elsewhere that I think of spider webs when I spritz my perfume.  My honey yogurt soap to me smells exactly like the beach, although when I’m at the beach I never think of that particular soap.  Large bodies of water make me want to stop breathing.  I have to remind myself to inhale and exhale and stay calm and think about something else. My moods are associated with colors.  When I’m happy I’m yellow.  Green is super charged.  Pink is perfectly lazy.

All of that is curious enough I suppose, but there’s something else I’ve felt several times in my life.  I will tell you about one of my quale experiences, and then you can look all confused and skeptical and go check out the weather channel.

At some kind of Christmas party or dance (I don’t remember exactly what it was)  many years ago, W and I were saying goodnight to my brother-in-law and his wife when I was suddenly hit by a thunder-clap of doom.  There was no noise, but it was deafening.  I was knocked off my feet, but I didn’t fall over.  The feeling was black and overpowering, like a severe electric shock with no physical pain. It lasted only seconds and then it was gone.   I hugged my brother-in-law a little too hard, and held on to him a little too long, knowing that something really bad was going to happen to him, although I couldn’t have said what that might be.  I remember telling him I’d see him again because those felt like magic words to ward off some terrible disaster.  He laughed and said of course we’d see each other again, we were all going to be at his parents house the next day.I've had a migraine/headache for 6 days straig...

I felt like crying, and sat in stunned silence on the drive home, thinking they might be involved in a car crash, or their house would burn to the ground, or they’d be abducted by aliens.  I also thought that quite possibly I’d had way too much to drink and was being completely ridiculous.  But I did tell W about my bad feeling, almost like a premonition, that something awful was going to happen to his brother.  Then I reminded him of that a few months later when his brothers headaches had become unbearable, and he was diagnosed with a brain tumor.

Now here’s the strangest part, if that’s not strange enough for you.  When we got the phone call with this sad news, I felt almost euphoric.  That was the bad thing that was going to happen, but it wasn’t that bad after all.  The surgery would go well, and he would be fine.  I knew this.  I kept saying, amidst all the worry and the sadness, he’s going to be okay.  And he was, for a lot of years after that.

This was not the first or last time for me, having this bizarre experience, but I don’t think it can be called an ability when I really have no control over it.  The feelings are always extreme.  I don’t know where the crazy joy or the devastating sadness comes from, but when it happens I think those few seconds will kill me, but I don’t die.  Or haven’t yet anyway.  It has made me try to put up a sort of invisible shield around myself when I’m with people so that if they are sending out bad vibes I won’t get them.  It has made me stay away from places I should have been where I might have given comfort because to me, ignorance of the bad things is equivalent to bliss.  It has made me try hard not to feel anything too deeply, or get too involved, or be too empathetic.  But inevitably this avoidance seems to build up to my quale, my personal internal sonic boom, the explosion that shatters me and no one sees me break.

This was all so hard to admit, because, like I said, I prefer to have people think I’m normal with normal quirks and eccentricities, with qualia that might be considered a little out to lunch but not psychotic or insane.  I don’t tell anyone any more when I have the gloom and doom experience because I don’t understand where it comes from or what it might portend.  It could be nothing.  I always hope it’s nothing.

So what’s the weather like where you are?  May your whole day be nothing but shades of pink and yellow.

Anytime is Nap Time

Cat Nap

Cat Nap (Photo credit: dlewis5)

For a couple of days I have been under the weather with a summer cold.  Why do they always seem to be ten times worse than the colds we get in the winter?  My head is full of sawdust.  All day today it has been pouring rain, but that just gives me an extra excuse to stay inside and moan and sniffle and generally feel very sorry for myself.  I have also been taking naps.  I am embarrassed to say how many of them, so I won’t even try to calculate that.  Let’s just say over 50% of my day and leave it at that.

There’s no one around right now to care how quickly and often I fall asleep, but if there were, here’s a list of nap excuses I’d use to make myself seem less of a sleepy head, or an old grandma who nods off mid conversation.  Maybe I wouldn’t do that if the conversation was interesting, but I’d advise you not to place any bets on it anyway.

1.  I was just resting my eyes for a minute.  (My own grandma used this one a lot, and you’re right, no one believed her.)

2.  I was doing some mood lifting, by bathing my brain in the neurotransmitter serotonin.  What?  You’ve never done that?  I thought everybody did that.

3.  I was meditating.  It was very deep.

4.  Those were my deep breathing exercises and you’ve made me lose my place.  Now I’ll have to start over.

5.  Recharging my batteries. They were at less than 20%.

6.  Doing some horizontal rejuvenation maneuvers.

7.  Practicing my person in a stupor role in case I ever have to play that part in a movie.

8.  Experimenting with dream phenomenon.

9.  Catching up on my adventures in slumberland research.

10. I always close my eyes when I put my brain in neutral.  Too bad the same thing rarely happens with my mouth.

I suppose a nap by any other name is still a nap.  Power napping is supposed to be good for you – increases your creativity and intelligence – in which case I must be verging on brilliant by now.

I’d write more, but I’m feeling the need to rest my eyes again.  I was a cat in my last life.  I think I may consider that option again the next time around.

Thirty Days Hath September

…..April, June, and November.  Except in 2013 when Mother Nature decided to skip the month of April altogether and put a super long extension on to the end of March instead.  By my calculations it is now March 61st.  We had a lovely little blizzard on Monday.  I have a funny feeling March may continue to hold on for another couple of weeks.  I don’t know what month it’s going to be next.  Hope we don’t jump straight into October.

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This is the scene that greeted us from our kitchen window on Monday morning.  Where has all the green grass gone?  Ah well, no point in obsessing about the weather, right?  Might as well make a pretty picture and carry on.

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Something in the Air

Woman sneezing

Woman sneezing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have good news and bad news.  The good news is:

1.  There’s green grass here.  Really!  I saw some.

2.  The snow has all but disappeared where I live.  All that’s left is what remains of our backyard snow mountain.  And it’s looking pretty pathetic.

3.  Today it rained!  You might even say poured!  For roughly  45 seconds.  Hey, it’s a start.

4.  The wind picked up and blew stuff everywhere.  Sorry,  I can’t remember why I think that’s good news.

5. I now have two days off in a row.  Be still my heart.

Spring-ing

Spring-ing (Photo credit: mountain_doo2)

 

 

The bad news is:

1.  My eyes are itchy and weepy.

2.  My sinuses are giving me grief and we will soon be out of kleenex if this keeps up.

3.  I am trying to sneeze my face off.

4.  My throat feels all scratchy.

5.  Snow mold is brutal.

It seems like such a shame to have to close all the windows when the weather is finally getting nice.  I go through this to some degree every spring.  I look a mess for several days and then suddenly, as fast as it comes, it goes.

Allergic rhinitis – harbinger of spring.  I would prefer birds, actually.  But whatever heralds spring this year is fine with me – I’ll take it and be glad.