by Ben Zulu (I do SO have a brain) Black Cat Extraordinaire
Yes, I am a CAT. Maybe in your next life you will be so lucky. I was an abandoned kitten, rescued by the SPCA (super people for cat adoption) and rescued yet again by a boy who, like me, saw nothing weird about falling asleep in one’s litter box. Momentary lapse. Nap attacks happen, what can I say.
I have survived many hardships. Trips into the big scary back yard. Being locked in a closet. Baths. (Shudder). I have outlived Ash, the big old grey battle-axe cat from hell. She taught me humility, subservience, and how to accept the blame for EVERYTHING. The only mother figure I have ever known has bequeathed me all her old hiding places for my myriad of inexplicable fears. But hey – I’m a cat – I don’t have to explain anything. Now my life is mostly blissful. As a cat’s life should be, of course.
Over the years I have developed a complicated communication system and a sophisticated two or three word cat language to inform my servants of my every need. It’s not my fault that my telepathic powers are strong and their interpretive skills are weak. When I want something I yowl. Sometimes these people are so slow to figure out what I’m going on about that I forget myself what it was that was so damned important.
But, come on people, it’s not a long list.
1. I am starving. Feed me, for the love of God.
2. My water bottle is empty.
3. My litter box is full.
4. Someone just left the house. I could quite possibly be all alone! Tell me to shut up so I know you’re here!
5. If you don’t feed me NOW, I will die. I swear, I will just keel over and DIE.
6. I heard thunder. Or a bird. Or maybe just my tummy grumbling. Yowling will make it all better. Throwing up all that extra cat chow I ate mindlessly five minutes ago might also help.
7. I strongly suspect, using my great powers of deduction, that since there is a dog person in the house, there could very possibly be a dog skulking about somewhere. I will yowl from one of my many undisclosed hiding places until I hear these magic words: “Ben, cut it out! The dog is gone, you moron!”
8. I’m wasting away here. Did you feed me today already? Are you SURE?
9. GAH!!! Human with nail clippers and cat brush approaching! RED ALERT!
10. There is no reason for yowl number 10, except that it is my god-given right as a feline to yowl whenever the mood strikes, day or night. So get a grip and deal with it. And don’t even THINK about taking me to the vet. You don’t really want to listen to that yowl again, do you?
Oh yeah – back to why it’s great to be a cat. Sorry if the TGIF title misled you. Like I ever need to know what day it is. I get to sit and stare at walls whenever I want. I can play with just about anything, except cat toys which bore the hell out of me unless they’re chock full of cat nip, in which case they are mildly amusing. I can deposit black cat hair anywhere, just by being there. It has become my mission in life to cover every surface in this house with bits of my beautiful black coat. I will beat the vacuum cleaner. It is foolish to think that a machine can defeat me. I can curl up on laps and purr and snooze, and get my neck rubbed and my ears scratched…….
I have the most delightful little cat bed with a crinkly bottom that makes the most delicious crinkly noise when I step into it, and I have suddenly been hit with the strongest urge to just crawl in there and stretch and yawn and flex my claws and close my eyes………and…..was that the can opener?……nope….just one of those intoxicating dream sounds…..and you have to go to work? Awww…..it sucks to be you. Zzzzzzzzzz.