I mildly dread Hallowe’en night. It’s a royal pain to hang around by the front door and hand out treats to fake goblins. This year I have set up my lap top in the living room and I’m determined to do a play by play of exactly what goes on. Because it is SURE to be extraordinarily interesting, although I’m not certain yet to whom. Our next door neighbours always do their whole front yard up with tombstones and gouls, attracting the spooks to their door. And thus to mine by default.
6: 14 First little trick or treater of the night – two foot tall witch with flaming pink hair. Accompanied by parents who appear to be WAY happier than the witch. Perhaps she has been forced into Hallowe’en servitude and will be giving up her pumpkin full of loot before bed.
6:21 A small grey elephant and a brown bear in arms. Both confused and rightly suspicious, accepting candy from strange old ladies. Dad having a ball. Mom on the sidewalk snapping pictures for posterity.
6:25 W. goes by with the lawn mower roaring. I’m not even kidding. I have NO IDEA why I am married to him. He’s seriously deranged.
6:27 I have consumed two mini mars bars.
6:28 W. turns off the lawnmower for 3.2 seconds and starts it up again.
6:29 Cute little blonde in a fancy red coat. Winterized red riding hood? Not sure.
6:30 Very tall woman in a lacy white dress carrying her head, accompanied by a wood cutter. Or something. I don’t ask. They’re an awesome pair.
6:35 The two little girls from next door, Megan and Mini Megan, two little blonde princesses. With shopping bags as big as they are. W. stops the lawn mowing to talk to their mom, our neighbor, who will probably put a for sale sign out on her own lawn tomorrow. I hear him tell her he’s not completely crazy, just close. Sigh.
I am sitting here rethinking giving out the little treat bags full of stuff I don’t particularly like first, saving the mars bars for last. The mars bars might not make it to ‘last’. When I partially close the front door leaving it very slightly ajar, it moves on its own and creaks. Woot! I have a practically haunted house. The boogey man is on the lawn.
6:48 There has been a serious lull in the proceedings, no doubt caused at least in part by the moonlight grass clipping dementor…..
6:53 Three boys, one just escaped from prison, one straight off a pirate ship, and the other one looking like he could use a bath.
6:54 A Wild Thing, from Where the Wild Things Are! I had no idea those wild things were so damn cute. Maybe it’s just the ones who have their moms tagging along. Smart moms leave dads at home to hand out the crap. No doubt with strict orders to leave the lawn mower in the garage, thank you very much or I will divorce your sorry ass. Or some such thing that I never can get up the nerve to say out loud. W. and the mower appear to be headed off into the twilight at last.
6:59 W. informs me that Jay (older brother of the Megans next door) is dressed up as a skeleton, sitting in a lawn chair amidst the tombstones, scaring the bejeesus out of unsuspecting trick or treaters. His dad told him anyone over 12 is fair game.
7:03 A baby bumblebee. Less than two feet tall. Mom tells him to say thank you. He says you’re welcome.
7:05 Spiderman and his good buddy Skeletor. They tell me they are just starting out and look plaintively into my eyes. Perhaps this ploy is supposed to make me double up on the treats? Doesn’t work.
7:06 A giant furry grey chewbacca?? What WAS that thing? And another big guy with a gas mask. I think they could quite possibly be pushing thirteen, never mind twelve. I’m happy to see them head off in Jay’s direction.
7:07 Three little girls with painted faces and gigantic pillow cases. I’m lost after that much of an observation, because they are in a SERIOUS hurry.
7:08 I ask W, who is now hanging around at the front window drinking a pepsi, if he would like to hand out the treats for a bit. He says no, he has to go put some ice on his groin. You KNOW I could not have made that up. This is the lawn ranger we’re talking about here. He does not understand how I can find a painful groin so hysterically funny.
7:12 Another lull. I light some candles. Say some prayers. I’m just kidding about that last part.
7:20 Three more gigantic kids with goulish painted faces and freaked out wigs. There should be a rule that if you’re six feet tall it’s time to go to a party and get drunk and leave the candy for the little guys.
7:21 Three geisha girls. Jay makes them SCREAM their little white faces off.
The first bowl of made up little bags of treats is gone, and it’s on to the juice boxes. I’ve saved those for the bigger kids who, if they break their arms carting them around, will be okay with that as long as it means missing some school. So I don’t have to feel guilty or anything.
7:26 A really sparkly silver skeleton and a fairy princess with irridescent wings. And hooker make up.
7:27 A football player, a horrible looking goul, and a skulking companion who does not look up so I don’t know what he is supposed to be. Weirdos are definitely travelling in threes tonight.
7:33 Another three little monkies who are THRILLED TO DEATH by juice boxes. They aren’t actually monkies, but seriously, there are kids that have painted faces and toques and things that look like extra appendages bobbing around all over them. It’s Hallowe’en man! Anything goes.
7:38 This stool I’m sitting on gets harder by the minute. I notice the people across the street have their Christmas lights up. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. At the end of October before there’s any snow or anything. I’m just sayin’.
It’s a perfectly gorgeous night! No snow or rain, mild temperature, no wind. I have a LOT of juice boxes to go. If I’d known they’d be so popular, I might have started off with those! And given the big kids pencil sharpeners or something! I’m always making the wrong hallowe’en decisions. Thus the dread.
7:42 Perhaps I need to go find a book to read. Or at least get a drink of water. Or take a bathroom break. If old frozen groin lawn mower boy over there could be counted on to fill in for a minute or two.
7:44 Nothing to report. Afraid to abandon my post.
7:50 A little more action at last. Two little girls with winter coats on and long skirts and big black boots. They tell me they are sisters. I want to tell them their mom dresses them funny, but they take off before I think of it. Which is just as well I guess.
8:10 W. announces he’s going to have a hot shower after rummaging through the last candy bowl asking me if there’s anything good in there. I tell him it’s the same stuff he’s been eating all week. I have another mini mars bar. Because tomorrow he’ll take the last of them to work and I want to be good and sick of them by then. So that I won’t make a fuss about it.
8:13 Wow, I think that might be it! Where are the stragglers? Jay is still out there patiently waiting for that big heart attack victim to materialize.
8:17 Yay! Three more little ones. A pumpkin, a red thing and a bug or something. Their sacks are pretty full, so I suspect this is just another stop on their way home. Now they have some extra weight to drag down the sidewalk behind them.
8:22 I think W. has gone to bed! Pretty pathetic behaviour for such an exciting night. Clocks turning back and all that good stuff. I’ve been to Farmville and done some harvesting. Perhaps I’m not entertaining enough for him to put a lot of effort into staying awake.
8:26 Drank a peach juice box and feel ill. How do kids do it??
8:30 Well, that’s it, I’ve had entirely enough fun for one night. Don’t see anyone else on the streets. Time to close the door and turn off the lights and …… open it again for a cat, yet another princess, and something dressed in a lot of orange. I gave them two juice boxes each. It made their night, apparently.
8:33 An angel with awkward huge wings, a witch looking a tad bedraggled, and a kid sister cat tagging along, stumbling on the steps. What a strange night of threes! It must mean something. Something profound and incredible. Or nothing at all. The peach juice has made my brain fuzzy.
8:34 The Grim Reaper!! And to think I almost missed him!! What a gruesome sight! I long for another bumble bee.
8:42 Blow out the candles.
8:45 Close the door.
8:56 Turn off the lights.
9:12 My computer is back where it belongs and my butt is on a much softer chair. I have survived yet another onslaught of Hallowe’en trick or treaters. And like every year I’ve been doing this I can now once again feel foolish for having had a panic attack earlier which caused me to pick up an extra box of chocolate bars on the way home. Because you just never know if a hundred kids will show up instead of a dozen. The guys at W.’s work have come to expect a ridiculous amount of candy on the first of November, so why start disappointing them now by purchasing a sane amount.
9:24 It’s time for a grown up hallowe’en treat for me. A wee dram of witches brew. The night didn’t kill me, and this probably won’t either. And if it does, well then we’ll know that the grim reaper costume was no joke. Happy Hallowe’en and cheers!
There, now wasn’t that an awesome three hours of my life that I will never get back?
