Things….

I have a little wooden box containing “the game of things”, consisting of a bunch of cards with interesting little phrases on them.  When you play the game you write your ‘answer’  or response on a teensy little piece of paper.  Under time constraints.  Well.  For somebody who likes to explain things to death this can get stressful. 

So I’ve decided, in the interests of not having to think up a blog topic on my own, to just pick a random card or two and go from there.  Quite possibly this will be of no interest whatsoever to anyone but me, but that’s okay.  It’s keeping my brain active doing something other than arming medieval cities to the teeth.  There appears to be over two hundred cards in there, so this should keep me happily occupied for hours and hours.  Or at least several minutes.  We shall see. 

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER FIND

1.  My car keys on the first try.  They’re either in my purse or in my pocket, and I reach for the wrong place first.  Then at home if they’re not hanging on the key peg at the door, they could be anywhere.

2.  Enough time on a day off to do all the nothing. 

3.  The humor in cartoon violence or those “funniest home videos” where people narrowly escape serious injury.  Stupidity is not something we should be entertained by or laughing at.  

4.  A bra that fits.

5.  Lip gloss when I need it.  I have a hundred tubes of the stuff, I swear.  But where?

THINGS THAT CONFIRM YOU HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

This one I know from first hand experience, having at one time had some kind of tracking device implant in my nose.  Why else would you wake up with mysteriously excruciating pain in that nasal bone between your eyes.  It’s the only explanantion I could think of at the time.  And then when the pain completely disappeared after a couple of days I just assumed the aliens got tired of observing me and removed it while I slept.  Okay, well that wasn’t exactly abduction was it.  Maybe having alien dust on your shoes?  I can’t explain everything.  Gawd.

THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T BE PASSED FROM ONE GENERATION TO THE NEXT

1.  This blog.

2.  Socks. 

3.  Ridiculous amounts of money.  People who haven’t had to work hard to earn it have no idea what to do with it all.  So they just get rid of it fast.  Thus solving that particular problem for their own offspring. 

4.  Medical problems.  But I don’t know how you stop that one.

5.  Ugly shit that your grandparents had in their living room.  Not everyone treasures ghastly antiques.  Put it in a museum.

THIINGS YOU SHOULDN’T DO IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

1.  Have your husband with you.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Sorry W.

2.  Okay, who am I trying to impress?  The Queen?  A waiter?  The police?

In random order – go through a red light, forget your manners, throw food.  Those last two could both apply to the queen.

3.  Spit.

4.  Fall over.  That could be mistaken for drunkeness.  And if you are drunk, prop yourself up on something for gawds sake.

5.  Pretend to know everything on a subject about which you are basically clueless.  You will be found out.  And probably ridiculed.  In which case, why were you trying to impress that asshole in the first place. 

Sooooo……it should be pretty evident why I’m not REALLY good at this game.  Pick one answer and write it down.  GAH.  It sounds like such a simple thing.

The Games that will kill me.

Or I’ll die playing them.  Because that’s all I seem to want to do these days.  The latest one is Evony; thank you to my son for suggesting this latest addiction.  It’s a war game for crying out loud.  I keep waiting to be attacked and obliterated, but so far I’ve simply been ignored by everyone around me.  So I’ve been able to build up two cities, heavy on the defensive angle for both.  Big on research and resource development.  I have an army and three useless heroes, all sitting around eating and training and waiting for something to do.  I have joined an alliance called GODSLAND, because that sounded pretty darn safe.  I’ve been upgrading and building for a couple of months.  For no good reason as far as I can see.  I don’t want to fight with anybody, or plunder their cities or encroach on their territory.  Pointless?  Yep.  If I do get attacked I’ll either teleport to somewhere new or simply abandon the game.  That’s my big master plan.

I’m also playing those stupid facebook farming games, chalking up points and designing and landscaping and selling animals that take up too much space.  And moving trees around.  Real life should be so simple.  And now I have a fish tank.  Heaven help me. 

Then every so often I play some mind jolt games, because it takes a lot of playing to get my daily gaming fix.  Mostly there I just play boring old solitaire variations.  These are some of the various instructions of the games I have never tried simply because I find these little blurbs about them mildly frightening.

Dodge the lasers before they zap your body parts off! (omg, where do they start?  with you feet? your head??)

Assist the red ninja turkeys in their war! (as if ninja turtles was not sufficiently bizzare)

Navigate through the intestines of the Jabberwock to save the poem! (say what?)

Hit those crazy turkeys by bowling with apples. (What’s with all the turkey violence?)

Are you the fastest clicker in the world, or a mud pie of inaccuracy? (I already know I’m the mud pie of inaccuracy.  No suprises there.)

It’s Christmas and it’s time to crunch some ornaments! (Well of course it is.  Let’s get at it.)

Keep the Temple Creep-Free!  (Ooooookay…..)

Help Turkster the turkey get all his feathers back.  (Poor Turkster.  I do NOT want to see him naked.)

So, the children who are playing these games are our future.  Are you nervous about that at all??  I’m not.  I figure anyone who is able to navigate through intestines probably has a lot of other worthwhile talents.  We will be in good hands.