Things….

I have a little wooden box containing “the game of things”, consisting of a bunch of cards with interesting little phrases on them.  When you play the game you write your ‘answer’  or response on a teensy little piece of paper.  Under time constraints.  Well.  For somebody who likes to explain things to death this can get stressful. 

So I’ve decided, in the interests of not having to think up a blog topic on my own, to just pick a random card or two and go from there.  Quite possibly this will be of no interest whatsoever to anyone but me, but that’s okay.  It’s keeping my brain active doing something other than arming medieval cities to the teeth.  There appears to be over two hundred cards in there, so this should keep me happily occupied for hours and hours.  Or at least several minutes.  We shall see. 

THINGS YOU CAN NEVER FIND

1.  My car keys on the first try.  They’re either in my purse or in my pocket, and I reach for the wrong place first.  Then at home if they’re not hanging on the key peg at the door, they could be anywhere.

2.  Enough time on a day off to do all the nothing. 

3.  The humor in cartoon violence or those “funniest home videos” where people narrowly escape serious injury.  Stupidity is not something we should be entertained by or laughing at.  

4.  A bra that fits.

5.  Lip gloss when I need it.  I have a hundred tubes of the stuff, I swear.  But where?

THINGS THAT CONFIRM YOU HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

This one I know from first hand experience, having at one time had some kind of tracking device implant in my nose.  Why else would you wake up with mysteriously excruciating pain in that nasal bone between your eyes.  It’s the only explanantion I could think of at the time.  And then when the pain completely disappeared after a couple of days I just assumed the aliens got tired of observing me and removed it while I slept.  Okay, well that wasn’t exactly abduction was it.  Maybe having alien dust on your shoes?  I can’t explain everything.  Gawd.

THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T BE PASSED FROM ONE GENERATION TO THE NEXT

1.  This blog.

2.  Socks. 

3.  Ridiculous amounts of money.  People who haven’t had to work hard to earn it have no idea what to do with it all.  So they just get rid of it fast.  Thus solving that particular problem for their own offspring. 

4.  Medical problems.  But I don’t know how you stop that one.

5.  Ugly shit that your grandparents had in their living room.  Not everyone treasures ghastly antiques.  Put it in a museum.

THIINGS YOU SHOULDN’T DO IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

1.  Have your husband with you.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Sorry W.

2.  Okay, who am I trying to impress?  The Queen?  A waiter?  The police?

In random order – go through a red light, forget your manners, throw food.  Those last two could both apply to the queen.

3.  Spit.

4.  Fall over.  That could be mistaken for drunkeness.  And if you are drunk, prop yourself up on something for gawds sake.

5.  Pretend to know everything on a subject about which you are basically clueless.  You will be found out.  And probably ridiculed.  In which case, why were you trying to impress that asshole in the first place. 

Sooooo……it should be pretty evident why I’m not REALLY good at this game.  Pick one answer and write it down.  GAH.  It sounds like such a simple thing.

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