My 5 Worst Vices

Procrastination
Letting paperwork and bills and forms and claims and renewals and other tedious business-papery things clutter various surfaces around the house for days and days.

But this is a good thing, because why should companies I owe money to get it ahead of time? I like to adhere strictly to those due dates they’re so happy to note in bold print. And if I died tomorrow, having my optician’s license prepaid for a year in advance would be rather senseless. I’ve found that being super efficient always comes back to bite me, so I try to put everything off for as long as humanly possible.

Forgetfulness
Such an unpleasant word. I prefer ‘selective memory’. There are some things that are best put out of one’s mind altogether if they cause sadness and remorse. And no one would ever accuse me of having a brain overloaded with interesting information. Play Trivial Pursuit against me if you need proof of that. I need to be reminded of things. Like the fact that there are bills that need paying. If I could just remember where I put them.

But here’s the good thing about (for example) buying peanut butter and discovering when you get home that you already have two jars of it in the cupboard that you’d forgotten you’d picked up the day before. When disaster strikes, I will be one of the last people on earth to starve to death.

Vanity
Yes! I have mirrors in my house! If I’m being stared at I’d like it to be because I look nice, not ridiculous. Beauty products are very important to me and I spend a lot of money getting the exact right lotions and toners and shower gels.

But this is also a good thing, because my daughter-in-law sells Arbonne products and I am one of her best customers. Not single handedly keeping her in business, but probably close.

Laziness
“Sloth” just sounds so ugly. But this condition started for me way back when I had herniated disc surgery and the doctor told me I shouldn’t vacuum. For some reason or other that is advice I have never had a problem remembering. I have diligently tried to unlearn all my housekeeping skills and sometimes we live in a colossal mess.

Good thing! Because my daughter, a single mom with her own housekeeping business, comes over to clean the place up every couple of weeks. I pay her very well. She is worth every penny.

Road Rage and Sarcasm
I suppose it’s strange to see those two words lumped together and called a vice but I find when I’m driving to and from work I can’t seem to control what comes out of my mouth. I don’t rant at other motorists if there’s anyone else in my car. Just when I’m alone. So of course I can’t share any direct quotes here. Some days I’m surprised that the air in the car is still clear and not blue…and it’s less than a 15 minute drive.

And why is this disgusting habit good? Because being constantly on the alert for &^#%ing morons keeps me very focused on my defensive driving. I can also harmlessly blow off a lot of steam before I start my work day, making me slightly less likely to curse under my breath at some %^&*@# idiot until at least noon, sometimes even later.

So – see how that works? All my vices are actually virtues in disguise.

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