Okay fourteen year old me, listen up. I’m only going to tell you these things once, and some of them will hurt your feelings but they’re for your own good. Of course you won’t believe that and you will never thank me for this, but that’s okay.
It’s just one of those pesky writing prompts which will show everyone I have a faulty memory and entirely too much time on my hands. (As if you would listen to me anyway, unless I could make it all into song lyrics, and for some things I simply won’t live long enough.)
1. You are never going to marry George Harrison. You will never even get to meet him in real life. Maybe set your sights just a tad lower. You didn’t really want your children growing up saying things like tally ho and bloody hell, did you?
2. The lyrics to “Louie Louie” are not as gross and disgusting as you have been lead to believe. (Last night at ten, I laid her again, I f**k all girls all kinds of ways….) – not even remotely close. Those idiots saying that’s what they get from all that moaning and mumbling are just yanking your chain.
3. I know you love John Diefenbaker and you’re mildly annoyed when Pearson wins the election, but Lester B. does bring us a cool new national flag, so he turns out to be less than completely disappointing after all.
4. It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World is not the funniest movie you will ever see.
5. Knowing what is going to happen to JFK in November will not make it any easier to comprehend or any less shocking for you or anyone else in the world. So I’m not going to warn you. Although I wish I could.
6. Barbara Streisand is never going to get her nose altered. So you can stop wondering what she’d look like with a different one.
7. High School in Ontario in the sixties is five long years. Right now, in grade nine, it feels like it will never end, but it does. Then in less than the amount of time it takes for you to live through it, you will have forgotten about 80% of the reasons you came up with for all that angst.
8. Panty hose is not the worst thing you’ll ever have to wear. No, I take that back. It is.
9. Your mother says you can’t go out on a car date until you’re seventeen. We both know that’s crazy shit. But it’s not nice to laugh at your mother, so stop it.
10. You are going to have the words to Surfer Girl by the Beach Boys in your head for the next fifty years. Fifty! I am not even kidding. And the one by the Four Seasons where they tell you Big Girls Don’t Cry? You’re right. It’s a lie.