Not Broken, Just Cracked

 

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Or a little bent, perhaps..  Maybe a LOT bent and cracked and scrambled and ready to shatter with one more shove.

So get out the glue.

A good life isn’t necessarily a big life, or a long life or even an “important” life.  Whatever it throws at me, I’m happy to be living mine.

Well, what a lot of blather that was.  I’m sure I could go on and on avoiding the point for much longer than this,  but here’s the reason I’m currently allowing myself to wallow a bit.

About six weeks ago I noticed some swelling just below my jaw on the left side of my face.  I thought it was a swollen gland.  I went on holidays and more or less ignored it.  Even convinced myself that it was going away.  Then I got more swelling up closer to my ear, and on the 12th of June went to see my doctor.  She suspected a blocked salivary gland, maybe even a stone, and told me to go home and suck lemons.  Really.  I love her.  She also gave me a lab requisition to book an ultrasound, but the lab told me this type of ultrasound is more specialized and has to be booked at a hospital.  I was eventually scheduled at a new clinic across from the University Hospital for June 24th.

I had the ultrasound done around one o’clock and then drove straight to work from there.  At four thirty my doctor’s office called to say they had the results back and my doctor would like to see me as soon as possible, could I come in tomorrow morning?  Yes I could.  And could I bring someone with  me?  What? Why?  Well, for support.  Dead silence while I tried to digest this.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I felt sorry for the person who had to make this phone call because they’re not supposed to tell you anything.  But sometimes by not telling you anything they tell you a lot more than you want to know.

I’ve already been through a very similar experience with my thyroid investigation, when I was called in to the doctor’s office very quickly to discuss the results.  That was over ten years ago.  I had to go for a needle biopsy after that.  Those results were fine, but because of some pre-cancerous growths I was given the option of having surgery to remove the unhealthy looking bits and ended up with practically all of my thyroid removed.

After this phone call I spent a restless evening (with the help of the internet) imagining every worst case scenario there is, and a few more after that.  I wore myself out.  So when I went in to talk to my doctor the next morning (on my own) and she told me the radiologist thinks this looks like it could be a cancerous lump, I was kind of numb to it all.  Yes, okay.  So what’s next?  Blood work and urinalysis, which I had done in the same building right away, and arranging for a CT scan to be scheduled.  There are two specialists she can refer me to when we have the results, depending on which one is able to see me first.

Then I went home.  And now we wait.

I phoned W and he says he will come home.  I know I must talk to my kids and my sisters, although I would prefer that they be oblivious to it all for as long as possible.  Worry is such a piece of crap thing, ruining your day with no good result because it doesn’t change a thing.

And it might be nothing.  IT MIGHT BE NOTHING.  I have no other symptoms.  I feel perfectly fine.  I admit I’m feeling rather sorry for myself and it feels therapeutic just to put it all into words for now.

But here’s some things that boost me up.  Maybe this is the glue I was talking about.  The morning of the 25th, (which was the day after what would have been my dads 100th birthday) when I got up to make coffee, there were three magnificent magpies strutting about in the backyard.  I have always considered magpies to be a very good omen.  They remind me of my mom and my family.  I haven’t seen any of these birds around here for weeks.  Just as I was leaving for the doctor’s office there were FIVE of them out there, on the lawn, on the garage, on the new fence.  Flapping and squawking and not flying away. They haven’t been back since, but they were there when I needed to see them.

I pulled out my type-written notes and re-read some of the things the psychic told me last July.  Things that didn’t really register at the time, but now seem to make perfect sense.  New female GP,  some problem with my neck,  June 2014, two specialists,  some sort of procedure, not life threatening, trust that you will be in very good hands, everything is going to go much better than anticipated.

Am I a superstitious fool to take great comfort in the appearance of some magpies and in these words?  I don’t care.  I do.

CT scan is now scheduled for the 7th of July.  That’s fast.  That’s good.  There are happy days to be grateful for in the meantime.

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21 thoughts on “Not Broken, Just Cracked

  1. This may belong more with the blather but I have found that those moments of such keen awareness–the magpies–give us grit for the moments that we are all a whirl. My best and thanks for telling us.
    Karen

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  2. I like what Robin said – I can’t wait for the psychic to be proven right. In the mean time no platitudes from me will help. But I understand your fear, and your worry, and that the waiting game can feel like hell. In the meantime take comfort wherever you can. I too believe in the magpies.
    Alison

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  3. I admire your attitude – you’d certainly be justified in wallowing a lot more than you are. And you’re right, fast is good -whatever the outcome it’s better to know so you can got on with whatever (if anything) needs to be done.
    Hoping for good results and thinking of you in the meantime. Kx

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  4. I’m not sure that “liking” this is entirely appropriate. Yay, for the magpies. The psychic seems to have been right so far, so let’s hope that trend continues.

    I know the waiting is hard. I hope it turns out to be nothing serious. Good thoughts your way. . .

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  5. Magpies as a sign…ancient. Recall the poem ‘Twa Corbies’ from English Lit? Don’t remember what the foretold, but it was personal to the writer. These days folks survive the Big C. Just a big pain in the bum. My sister survived a blood cancer.

    Okay to wallow. Then have a stiffener if that helps. One day at a time…{{HUGS}}

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  6. It could be nothing, and it could be cancer. Either way, you’re still you, loved and loving and alive. Illness/injury defines no one, and it can only dictate so far. And angels can appear as magpies. I will be praying for you.

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  7. Coming to this post so late, the results will be known by the time I get to THAT post. Maybe this is how we should go through life: As if all results were already known. Calm, calm.

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