Guacamole For Dummies

 

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This morning before I got out of bed I solemnly promised myself that I would answer the WordPress Daily Post prompt, no matter what it might be or how much I didn’t feel like it.  Unfortunately for whoever might be reading this, here it is.

(Your Thing) For Dummies:  Take a complicated subject you know more about than most people, and explain it to a friend who knows nothing about it at all.

So would you really like to hear all about fitting eyeglasses and contact lenses, doing follow-up adjustments and appointments and assessments?  I didn’t think so.  All you need to know about all of that stuff, really, is to take your problems to a professional.  Don’t do your own adjustments.  Don’t put your glasses in a microwave, a dog’s mouth, or under a moving truck.  When your contact lenses are uncomfortable, get them the hell out of your eyes.  If your glasses don’t sit all perfectly balanced on a flat surface, but look okay on your face, ask yourself if your head is a flat surface.  Then just get on with your day.

My second thought was to explain my artistic process, but the big thing there seems to be how I’m very good at ruining a lot of clothes and desk tops and floors with paint and glue.  And you probably know better than I do how to avoid all of these things already.  If you don’t, I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

Guacamole, on the other hand, is something I can talk about and I guarantee you will learn a couple of new things, even if you think you already know absolutely everything there is to know on the subject.  I’m still in the learning stages myself, but I know there is perfect guacamole out there somewhere, just waiting for me to discover it.

Here are the secrets I have uncovered so far.

1.  Three cloves of garlic for three avocados is probably too much garlic.  Just because you peeled that many does not mean you should use all of them at once.  Your first clue would be how your fridge smells after placing the guacamole inside it in a sealed container, and still being knocked over backwards by the overpowering garlic odor whenever you open the fridge door.

2.  When they say roma tomatoes, they mean tomatoes that aren’t excessively juicy.  Ordinary tomatoes will work if you scoop out all the juicy insides and pat what’s left dry on a paper towel before chopping them up.

3.  The fact that you seem to remember the recipe calling for the juice of half a lime may annoy you.  Or maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, it always seems like such a waste to squeeze out the juice and throw the rest away.  And then there’s that other half of the lime which slowly shrivels up and dies before you can think of something else to do with it.  I’m talking about big limes.  If the lime is tiny, go ahead and juice the whole thing.  However, if you are ever inclined to just throw the entire gigantic peeled lime into your food processor with the chopped onions and garlic, AVOID THE TEMPTATION.  Yes, I am yelling at you.  This is not a good idea unless you want your guacamole to taste like really bad after shave.

4.  If you ignored my warning and did use the entire lime, throwing a bit of sweetener in after the fact to cut the bitterness of the lime will make your guacamole edible.  That’s it.  Delicious is just not going to happen.

5.  If all else fails (and in my case this is always a possibility) print a recipe off the internet and FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS.  Now I’m just yelling at myself.

I sincerely hope this has been helpful advice for the guacamole impaired.  Anything else you need to know, just ask.  Or Wikipedia is also helpful.  I’m not pretending to know everything.  Or anything really.  So, yeah.  You may now get on with your day.

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30 thoughts on “Guacamole For Dummies

  1. You make me laugh so much and often. And when you are trying to, which is extra-special. “…ask yourself if your head is a flat surface. Then just get on with your day.” That was my first for-reals LOL. The second was the inevitable shriveling half-lime we all have somewhere…lurking. Then the “Delicious is just not going to happen.”

    This was all terrifically helpful. It confirmed me in my long-ago choice, to, here in the heart of avocado-land, Southern Cal, continue to purchase frozen guacamole-in-plastic-pouches on an as-needed basis. Much as I prefer it fresh, who can be bothered with tomatoes, Roma or otherwise, and half-limes, large or small. Bleah. Give me that BHA-crushin’ hormone-alterin’ shrunk-wrapped plastic-warped mean, green machine-preened squeeze-it-and-go goo!

    Did you know I can make Mickey shapes with it on my fried egg?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have never tried that impressive sounding goo on eggs! In any shape. But yes, that is also impressive. Egg art. I don’t know where our avocados come from, but California sounds about right. I’ve never tried the frozen stuff. I’m about six failures away from that. 🙂

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  2. I like the nutty taste of avocado so a little squeeze of lemon and a touch of garlic is enough. Fifty years ago (gosh how depressing) I was introduced to guocamole by my friend’s mother. It was an exotic dish in Australia back then. She added hard boiled egg and lettuce to hers.

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    • Now there’s a recipe I’ve never come across. Now I’ll have to add egg and see what happens! I’m getting to like avocado better after using it in smoothies all the time. The guacamole is branching out for me. Still not crazy about the taste on its own.

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  3. This cracked me up. I’ve never put garlic in guacamole. I don’t use a recipe, but I do what my friend (she happens to make the best I’ve ever tasted) showed me, and it’s now the most requested dish I make for gatherings, besides my biscotti and cream puffs.

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  4. I’m a guacamole dropout. The post is funny, however, I have problems knowing when the darned avacado is ripe. I could never do this prompt because I am not an expert on anything except stuff 99 percent of the blog reading public finds annoying. I’m not even an expert on grand mothering which most people do better than me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, you are an expert on so many things Diane. I read your blog every day to learn something completely unrelated to guacamole. Believe me, that’s a good thing. An avocado is ripe if it’s not bright green, and is slightly soft to the touch and if the stem knob on the top pops out easily. That I also figured out through trial and error. Somebody said they were good for me, and that’s all it took to get me started.

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  5. Ha ha! you are funny! I used to be an optician, sounds like you are too. We used to get a lot of calls from people worried that their contact lens got stuck behind their eye, lol

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    • OMG, so did we. Even when you explain how it’s impossible to do that, they just can’t make themselves believe it. I’ve thought of writing about my experiences as an optician, but I think only other opticians would get it. So thanks for getting it. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Funny! You know I love guacamole and actually have a recipe that I am leery of trying because I cannot seem to be able to choose the right avocado! I saw your note above about choosing a ripe one…maybe one day I’ll try again.

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    • It’s all a matter of taste, no matter what the recipe says. I found I don’t like cilantro or hot chili peppers in it. And lemon juice works great if you don’t like lime. As long as the avocado flesh isn’t rock hard (not ripe) or turning brown and mushy (too ripe) it’s pretty forgiving. Good luck. 🙂

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  7. Best breakfast in the world: Avocado on toast. Sprinkle (or glop, whichever you prefer) olive oil on wheat bread. Toast in oven. Mix avocado with salt, pepper, lemon juice and hot sauce or cayenne pepper. Spread on toast. Enjoy with coffee.

    Another delightful post. You funny.

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  8. Funny as hell! I know what you mean by adding the extra bit of lemon juice you have left. And it really makes it almost inedible.

    For me, guacamole was an entry to the world of preparing my own food – it was my decision to improve the quality of my life. I also enjoy putting raw chili into it, but you have to be extremely careful about it. I’m glad you pointed out this detail about roma tomatoes, because I have never heard about it before.

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    • I have done an amazing amount of research on guacamole! Yes, I’m a little crazy. But compared to other dips and spreads, it’s surprisingly good for you. Or at least not bad for you. I know what you mean about being careful with the chillies. Those things are dangerous.

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