This Phone is a Trucking Place of Spit

"not encephalitis the email"

“not encephalitis the email” (Photo credit: marioanima)

Daily Prompt:  Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Turn that line into the title of your post.

Today on Facebook, Damn You Auto Correct posted the “Baby I Lobe You” song, and it was all downhill from there.

This particular song on You Tube isn’t necessarily one I love, because I only discovered it today, but it’s certainly one I can connect with.  Because everyone who has an I-phone has at one time or another called it a fluffing piece of shut, if not worse.

Verse 1

When I said I wanted to kill you,
I meant to say kiss
When I said I was going to dump your bones in the woods,
I meant to say jump
And now you think I’m a psychopath
And our relationship is wrecked
There’s nothing I can do but put the blame on

Verse 2

You said whenever you miss me you smell my shits,
I think you meant shirts
My work was coming in slits and spritzers (sorry)
Spits and spurts
I said you were a whining spaz
When I meant to say shining star
Then I said I was going to pimp your ass
When I went to park your car
And now you think I’m a total dick
And I’m losing your respect
There’s nothing I can do but put the blame on

Verse 3

You said you like to fist with men in bars,
I think you meant flirt
Either way I think it’s safe to say
One of us is going to get hurt
I know that you don’t mind jazz
In a quiet little back street place
But you said in your message you quite like jizz
Except when it was in your face
And now it seems we’re communicating
In a brand new dialect
There’s nothing I can do but put the blame on

Middle Eight

These thumbs were not designed for typing
Maybe we should just have stuck to skyping
Now all that you can say to me
Is WTF and OMG
This song is one long apology, I admit
This phone is a fluffing piece of shut
This phone is a flecking price of slut
This phone is a trucking place of spit

Verse 4

When I said I like to use glory-holes,
I was trying to type coriander
I was looking forward to eating out
On your vagina
(Verandah, verandah, so sorry)

Now we’ve sent these messages
That we should have double-checked
There’s nothing I can do but put the blame on
Sumo wrestler
Dodo forest
Dildo Carrot

Oh well, what did we expect?
We never should have put our faith in auto-correct.

A Great Boss

There have been admirable ones and despicable ones in my working life, and some have had qualities from both extremes. All I know for sure is that I have never wanted to be one. From the number of incompetents I’ve known in the position, it can’t be easy.

No one is perfect, so instead of centering out one individual, here’s a conglomeration of qualities that good bosses have that are worthy of being celebrated.

A great boss is experienced and hands-on with the kind of work being done. I can’t stress this one enough. It always seems to me the further a person goes up the ladder of success, the less he knows (or cares) about what’s actually going on in the workplace. And strangely enough, the further removed he becomes from this reality, the more life altering decisions he gets to make, based on – well no one is ever exactly clear what these pronouncements might be based on, other than the almighty pursuit of money. Down at the bottom of the ladder we still know that there is something much bigger than money. There is a team of individuals who are equally committed to a purpose, who respect and trust each other and will succeed or fail together. (Despite the idiots sitting in offices pouring over financial spreadsheets and sending out asinine memos, or whatever it is they’re up to all day.)

A great boss is willing to work with you, share the credit, accept the blame, keep you informed, encourage you to learn, and motivate the hell out of you. Creativity is embraced and feedback is applauded.

Great bosses do not have blow-ups or emotional outbursts. Unless they are conducted privately in a sound proof room. Temper tantrums are recognized as being a poor method of communication. Instead they have a positive outlook and a sense of humor and can focus on opportunities. (Which is just a nice way of saying they roll with the colossal screw-ups, learn from them and carry on.)

A great boss has realistic expectations, encourages the best qualities in individuals and shows appreciation for a job well done. A pat on the back is nice. A raise is even better.

Perhaps the most important quality of all is the ability to command respect, although it’s not something that can be commanded and has to be earned. A great manager has to be able to manage himself. If his personal life and his office space and his agenda are all a mess, he will never get the respect and trust it’s necessary to have if he aspires to lead.

And that brings me full circle to why I am nobodys boss. What a lofty goal to be all of these things! The only one I have down pat is a sense of humor, especially as it relates to asinine memos from above.

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There Ought to be a Law

There ought to be a law against ridiculous lawsuits.

I’m talking about the ones where the ‘victim’ refuses to admit his own stupidity and shifts the blame elsewhere. For big money. Or to make himself look like somewhat less of an idiot. I don’t know what all the motivations are.

You should not be allowed to sue a college for having a course that is not up to snuff after you fail your practicum. Or sue a cable company because you smoke and drink and are addicted to tv, your wife is fat and your kids are lazy. Or a furniture store in which you trip over your own toddler and break your ankle. Or a golf course when you fall over a log on to your face while searching for your ball, the one YOU shot into the trees and decided to go after with you own little pea sized brain.

The list is endless. The lawyers are laughing all the way to the bank. The worst ones of all are when criminals sue their victims for robberies gone wrong, or for bodily harm or mental anguish to the perpetrator of the crime.

All the ludicrous signs posted everywhere are compliments of the airheads who made them necessary. Caution – contents of this coffee cup are HOT. Please ask for help to remove heavy objects from shelves above your empty head. Do not attempt to use this toaster oven while taking a shower or operating a vehicle.

It wasn’t my fault, I’m not to blame, I did nothing wrong, nobody warned me!

Boo hoo. Suck it up and take some responsibility for being a moron when you’re being a moron.

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