All That Jazz

It is April 18th and I have missed many many prompts this month.  But hey!  I can catch up!  It’s not like I didn’t drop by Plinky and read all of them, but the mood and the ambition to answer them never surfaced.  Still hasn’t, if you’d like to know the truth.  No matter.  In the interests “getting shit done for no apparent reason” I am answering them now.  I’ve just finished doing three income tax returns and I’m totally bummed out telling the truth about stuff.   Time to make things up.  Or not.  It’s always a fine line.

Describe your most memorable birthday.  Perhaps that would be my thirteenth.  Suddenly a teenager and yet not feeling a lot different from my normal barefoot tomboy self.  Thinking I’d better get on it and take that shiny red birthday purse and run with it and start liking boys and teen magazines and rock and roll.  Growing up was a confusing process.  I’m not altogether sure I got it right.

If you were a genre of music, what would you be? Jazz, baby.  Without a doubt.

Describe what your handwriting looks like.  It used to be all nice and round and slanted in one direction and freaking perfect.  I won first prize at a fall fair once in grade eight.  Now I rarely write anything by hand, and when I do I usually print in big block capital letters.  I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

Do you have any good tricks for remembering names?  Nope.  I promptly forget them in thirty seconds or less.

What did you do to land yourself in the back of a police car?!  No policeman has every asked me to get into the back of his car.  Other men have tried.  A couple may have succeeded.

Would you rather be a great singer or a great dancer? Since my talent in both of those areas is sadly lacking, I suppose it’s a toss-up.  On a normal day I would not pick either one.  Or great actor, or great anything.  Except maybe writer.  So I could supply all those singer/dancer/actor people with great music and great scripts.  And just hang around in the background being quietly great, rather than flamboyantly so.

What are the 3 most significant historic events that have occurred in your lifetime?  Significant is such a broad term with so many different degrees of significantness, depending on who you are and where you find yourself at random historical moments.  I was about two weeks old when the Chinese Red Army occupied Shanghai.   I was a month old when the state of Vietnam was formed, with Bao Dai as its emperor.  And a year old when the troops of Ho Chi-Minh attacked Cambodia.  I was blissfully ignorant of these historical events and not directly affected by them, as far as I know.  I have managed to remain in a similar state for most of my life.

When did you first start using a computer regularly? In the 1980’s and 90’s I guess.  Mostly I used to play solitaire for hours on end.  Now I play Farmville.  The more things change, the more they remain the same.

What’s the most unexpected thing that’s happened to you so far this year?  I promised myself that I would write a blog a day.  Then I revised that to a blog a week.  Then I missed about three weeks all at once.  None of that was unexpected at all, if you know me and my procrastinating ways.   Usually I would feel incredibly guilty about it though.  So the strange thing is that I don’t, really.  Huh.

If you had your own television show, what would it be about?  I would bring back Arrested Development and have all the people who were  involved in it  just carry on from where they left off.  That was the best series ever, and I miss it terribly.

 What’s the oldest thing you own?  Does one “own” ones husband?  Because he’s pretty damned old.  Grandma’s rocking chair is older I guess.  But not nearly as interesting.

Name three things that are worth waiting in long lines for.   A public bathroom.  A table at your absolutely favourite restaurant.  (Although W. would strongly disagree with that one).  And the thrill of finally getting to the airport security scanner to find that the woman in front of you is trying to go through with three large bottles of wine in her carry on bag and CANNOT understand what the problem is.  It’s not like she’s going to be drinking it, so what is up the ass of those security people anyway?  True story.  Well worth the wait.

When was the last time you received a handwritten letter via snail mail?   Oh crap.  It was a week or so ago, and it was a kind of chain letter, and I was supposed to buy six lottery tickets and send them off to somebody or other.  I wonder where the hell that got to.

Describe your most recent shopping splurge.  Why, are you looking to be bored to death?  I bought three brightly colored mixing bowls from Walmart once.  Another time involved the purchase of some very large carrots.

If you could have dinner anywhere in the world tonight, where would you go?   Really?  Anywhere in the WORLD?  Buckingham Palace.  With the queen.  I like the way she talks.  And I’ve always wondered if she ever takes a tray and plunks herself down in front of the telly to watch What Not to Wear while she’s eating her royal repast.  And if she likes ketchup.  So many questions to which I will never know the answers.

Describe a time when you performed a random act of kindness.  I perform random acts of kindness every day, and I hope I will continue to do that for as long as I’m able.  It’s called common courtesy, actually.  I wish more people knew about it.

Did you pull any pranks on April Fool’s Day? Did you fall for any?  No, and No.  No no no no no.  Pranks are stupid and very often not a lot of  fun for the prankee.  Pranksters should be strongly encouraged to  find a more productive hobby.

Well, that’s it!  How EASY was that, to answer all these silly questions and still have time to……ummmmm?  Wow.  Now what am I supposed to do.  Look for that chain letter?  Get a head start on next years taxes?  Go somewhere and wait in line for something?  Plan my most spectacularly memorable birthday ever?  It’s less than a month away after all.  I could get right on it.  Tomorrow or the next day, or, you know, whenever.  Next year.  Never.  No point in pushing myself.   It would just make me feel bad if I didn’t push hard enough.

Dreaming About No Job At All

My dream job would be to sit at home, read books, play on the computer and write incredibly interesting stories all day long, getting paid millions of dollars every two weeks for doing any or all of those things.

Unfortunately I can’t find this position advertised anywhere and fear that right now no one is hiring.

A dream job I imagine should involve doing something you’re good at and enjoy, so my second choice would be to become a national frame buyer for our optical department. Because whoever is doing it now is a flaming moron. I might also turn out to be a moron at it, but certainly NOT a flaming one.

If we had some awesomely incredible frames on our frame bars perhaps I would stop inwardly cringing whenever someone asks me for help choosing eyewear. Or maybe it’s just a conditioned response and there’s no cure for it, I don’t know.

I am so excited to be taking 6 weeks off (three more working days to go!) so that I can start collecting early CPP. It’s just one more little baby step towards retirement which I never thought I would long for, but there it is. This six weeks will be a mini preview of things to come.

Well! Is that not my dream job coming true? Except for the millions of dollars part, which I suppose I could get by without if there’s no way around it. I want to write, even though I may be a flaming moron at that. As long as no one tells me, ignorance is bliss, and I’ll keep blathering away. And to have the time to read and read and read – heaven on earth.

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