This Different Me

sue fitzmaurice marjorie pay hinckley

Last night I slept for eleven hours.  It’s amazing what a good long sleep does for your outlook on life in general.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself.  For one thing, I don’t want to write every day, even on days when there’s nothing of any consequence to write about.  Oh, hell, who am I kidding, that’s always been the norm here.  Now that I have something mildly interesting to talk about, I don’t feel like talking about it at all.  Apparently these days I prefer to sit down and stare off in to space with an empty head.  I suspect W is completely exasperated with me, because no matter how hard he tries I can always find a reason to be negative and bitchy.  I’m not so fond of this different me.  No doubt he isn’t either.

When I’m at work and some annoying person starts complaining about a random inconsequential minor stupid bit of nonsense (they’re all like that lately) I really would like to tell them to just please shut the F up.  I don’t care.  I’m sick.

My CT scan was done on the seventh of July, and now I have an appointment booked for August 11th at the University Hospital with an excellent doctor.

Surgical Oncology
Professor of Surgery
Divisional Director and Zone Section Head
Otolaryngology – Head and Neck Surgery

Does that not all sound excellent?  I’m sure I’m in excellent hands.  I should be feeling totally excellent.  Except that the ‘oncology’ word scares the living shit out of me.  He is also a plastic surgeon, so if half of my head has to be removed I’m sure he can build me something interesting to take its place.

The holiday that we’ve booked for two weeks with family in Ontario can go ahead as planned, leaving on the 26th of July and flying back on August 9th.  I have hours in the day when I completely forget about all of this.  What’s the point in worrying and imagining and dwelling on it, really.  I thought when I got to Day 16 of Jazzy and her happiness project and my life took this funny turn that I would have to put a hold on all her blather about happiness.  At least this different me realizes what a huge mistake that would have been.  I’ve had a couple of dark days but look, here I am.  I survived them.  I think life likes to hand you bad things you think you won’t be able to handle just to show you how strong you can be and that you can.

So until the middle of August, life is good.  We’ll have a fun holiday, a time to remember.  And perhaps after the middle of August life will still be good. Maybe it will just keep on getting better and better.  One way or another, life does go on.

See how weird this different me insists on being?  Seriously, stop it.  Okay.  I’m done.  Me too.

There’s not much more I can say on this topic anyway, since I didn’t ask any questions in the interests of ignorance being bliss.

Okay!  Has this bloggers block been broken?  Different me hopes it has.

You Can Always Start Over From Here

Daily Post Writing Challenge:  Starting Over

Same Old Brand New You

Same Old Brand New You (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Starting over in time is not possible no matter how fervently you might wish for it.  Time marches on, and do-overs of your past are nothing more than head games.  Stop torturing yourself with regrets, wondering how things might have turned out if you had done them differently.  You can’t change where you’ve been, but you can start now and head off in a different and better direction.  Starting over means starting from where you are now.  Here’s a starting over list to get you started.

1.  You can’t go back and start your childhood over again.  For one thing, your parents are too old for that now and would never be able to keep up with you.  And it’s just too difficult to find onsies in your size.

But you can still  build a fort out of the couch cushions, color a picture with your crayons and tack it up on your fridge, or leap from one piece of furniture to another to avoid the lava and the monsters whenever you feel like it.  Try not to break your neck – you’re not five years old anymore.  But no matter what age you are,  it’s still okay to cry when things go wrong.  You can still  laugh hard and play hard and love with all your heart.

2.  You can never take back the words you’ve spoken, or written, or sent by text.  Once they’ve left your mouth or your pen or your fingers, they will forever belong to whoever heard or read them.  They have power.  Will they be hurtful or helpful?  It’s not possible to un-say something, so try very hard to get it right the first time.  When all else fails, blame temporary insanity and auto-correct.

3.  You can’t unbreak things.  But you can try to mend them.  As in the case of ‘hearts’ for instance.  But if we’re talking about some piece of crap junk that never worked right in the first place, save yourself some grief and agony and get a new one.  It’s only a thing.  It won’t hold a grudge.

4.  Baking cannot be unburned.  But there are windows you can open to let the smoke out.

5. If you are a parent who has your childs best interests at heart, you still will not always do or be what they need most.  Forgive yourself.  You are human and you will make mistakes.  Learn from both your kids and your blunders, start over from here and try to do better.

6. If it’s not possible to start over in a new job, start making small changes that will help to make your present job easier.  You can’t change the people you work with, but you can change the way you act and react with them.  You can change your attitude.  I’m not suggesting it’s easy to do that, but I am telling you it’s not impossible.

7.  You might not be in a financial position to burn your house down and rebuild it, but you can start over in one room, or in one small section of a room, and renovate and reorganize and revamp until you’re so happy with the results you want to spend all your home time in that exact spot.  Well, you know, within reason.  Hopefully we’re not discussing a closet here.

8.  It may be a little late in your life to start over with a brand new career, but it is never too late to learn a new skill or to change the path you’re on.  It’s never too late to teach someone else the things you know.

Brand New Day

Brand New Day (Photo credit: Tim Albano)

9.  You can’t start over from the beginning and have a better relationship with somebody.  And it’s a very sad thing to discover that the person you wanted to be closer to has suddenly gone from your life and that you will never have the chance to work on that relationship and to know him better.  Learn, learn, learn from this.  Don’t wait for the bond to miraculously form on its own, start working on it now.

10.  You can never start over and take better school pictures of yourself and change that geeky face that only a mother could love.  You can’t re-write your high school year books or change who your friends were or any of the decisions you made as a young adult.  But you can learn to love the person you were, and know that the choices you made then are the reasons you have become who you are now.

Right this minute, tomorrow morning, next week – you can start over from wherever you happen to be.  The changes do not have to be sudden or tumultuous.  Second chances and new beginnings can start small, and from deep within.

This is where you’ve landed – now spread your wings and fly.

Easy to Give/Hard to Take

Since I rarely take advice from the living, I don’t know why I would suddenly be seeking it from some dead guy.

Most advice is non-specific and therefore useless anyway. Things like

– stop worrying

– quick, think of something!

– be happy

– relax

– find some time

– stop thinking about it

– don’t laugh, don’t cry, don’t fall asleep

– calm down

Hah. Easy for you to say.

But I guess if my arm was being twisted and I HAD to come up with some historical person PLUS think of some kind of recommendation that I might actually pay attention to, my choice for all that would be a chat with Nostradamus.

I would ask him what I should be doing to prepare for the end of the world in December of 2012.

And if his advice was “stop being such a flaming idiot”, I would take that as a good sign.

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