Tag Archives: dilbert

Still Sparkling

Before checking my e-mail this morning I made a solemn promise to myself to answer the Daily WordPress Prompt no matter what.  Every day I read it and have good intentions, but we all know the place to which good intentions are paving the road.  This road is also crowded with people who write awkward sentences and take a long time to get to the point.

Sparkling or Still

What’s your idea of a perfect day off: one during which you can quietly relax, doing nothing, or one with one fun activity lined up after the other? Tell us how you’d spend your time.

At the risk of boring you into a coma, here goes.  Hey, it’s not like I’ve duct taped you to a chair in my living room where you feel obligated to choke down a bad cup of coffee and pretend to listen.  Although that’s how you may feel.

I have been successfully retired for fifty days.  That’s almost two months of continuous days off, and that makes me a self-proclaimed expert on the subject.  Quietly relaxing doing nothing is a fun activity for me, so I choose both answers simultaneously.

My typical day starts with coffee consumed while I scroll through all the e-mails I get from the best of the blogs I follow.  This can take a long time, depending on how interesting you all have decided to be on any particular day.  November has been a crazy month with everyone posting like mad.  I’m anticipating less activity in December when we’re all in Christmas mode.  Even if you don’t celebrate it, it’s pretty hard to ignore altogether.

W finishes reading the paper and most mornings wanders off to the kitchen, eventually interrupting me after making breakfast to tell me to come and cook my own eggs.  He just can’t make himself mutilate eggs the way I do.  Broken, flipped and cooked to death should be a choice in all breakfast restaurants.

If either of us has somewhere to go, we get our act together and do that.  If we don’t, the best way to spend an afternoon for me is messing around in my art room.  Messing around is no vague term.  Sometimes I share my mess, sometimes I don’t.  There was this one oil pastel thing I did that was so hideous I threw it out.  Picture an alien with green eyes and hair on fire.

I also read real books or something on my kindle, clean up, play some word games, write some kind of nonsense on my blog, drum up some ambition to make something for dinner, make lists.  Yes, there are days when I don’t leave my house.  I refuse to feel bad about this, although I will admit some form of physical exercise will have to make it on to one of my lists soon.  Up and down the stairs fifteen times a day should count for something in the meantime.

WAKE UP!  I’m still talking to you.  Don’t you want to hear how I spend my evenings??  They’re more or less a repeat of the afternoons, actually.

Some days I wonder if they miss me at work.  Then I read Dilbert on my page a day calendar and think – nope – probably not.

dilbert nov 20 001
Today is our anniversary so we will probably go out to eat somewhere.  We also know there’s a bunch of leftovers in the fridge and neither of us would care if we opted for that instead.  It’s quite delightful to have days stretch ahead of me which I can fill with whatever I want.

Okay, duct tape is going in the garbage and you’re free to go.  I’ll finish up the coffee.  Draw a couple of flaming red-haired elves.  Try not to get too stressed out by all the excitement in my mad and crazy life.

I worked hard for this!  I’m going to enjoy every single fun and relaxing minute of it.

nano

Just in Case You Really Want to Know….

…..And even if you don’t.  I’m falling way behind on my Plinky Inspired Answers to Inane Questions Which Are Reallly Just a Lame Excuse to Talk About Myself Ad Nauseum.  So I’ll just get at ‘er.

Share something you’ve changed your mind about.  I change my mind about inconsequential things roughly every 30 seconds, so my answer to this prompt would be interesting only if I’d ever had a complete change of heart about something earth shatteringly important.  Like global warming or the economy or celebrity nose rings.  I prefer to hover somewhere in the middle when it comes to such weighty issues, looking at both sides of the story and not ever actually making up my mind at all.

What do you think of reality television?  I think it’s about as real as anything else that’s written and scripted and edited to death before it goes on the air.

What’s the most unexpected thing a stranger has ever said to you?  So, not just strange, weird, rude, crazy, incomprehensible, far out or completely ludicrous?   Merely unexpected.  That certainly narrows it down.  Well there was this one old guy at work who came in and sat down and proceded to tell me that I had always given him the most incredible customer service and he really appreciated it and he’d bring all his business to me because I was one of the nicest most knowledgeable opticians he’d ever come across.  I have no idea who he was, and strongly suspect he got me mixed up with somebody else.

Come up with an idea for an awesome prank.  “Awesome Prank” is an oxymoron.  Pranks are rarely awesome.  I would describe them as mostly idiotic, moronic, and pointless.

Could you pull off a different hair color?  I guess that depends on what exactly I’d be trying to pull off or accomplish by changing it.  Jet black or green or flaming orange (orange is in this season!  I read that somewhere, but I don’t think they were talking about hair color),  would probably capture a lot of attention, most of it negative.  My current natural hair color, which is salt and pepper (heavy on the salt) seems to go well with the rest of me right now, so why mess with that.

Milk, dark, or white chocolate?  A question that’s not really a question.  Like “window, middle or aisle?”  Just pick one and get on with your life.  I’m not sure why, but for me, white chocolate easter bunnies just feel wrong.  As do chocolate easter tractors and soccer balls.  Bars and cakes, on the other hand, no matter what time of year, feel right and normal.  Dark chocolate can be bitter, and white chocolate too sweet.  Milk chocolate is okay, but I’d rather have chocolate milk.  With a straw. Out of a little brown carton.

Describe what it feels like when the season begins to change.  Could you not just haul your dumb ass outside and find that out for yourself?  Sorry, but sometimes you just have to say dumb ass or you’ll explode.

If you could be an editor for any magazine, which would you choose?  Magazines are so full of glossy eye blinding advertisements that I can’t be bothered trying to search out the articles.  Half the time it’s impossible even to come across a table of contents.  Editing out the ads would probably not make good business sense, so I’m quite content to leave the editor’s job to somebody else and all those over priced floppy books full of ads on the shelves.

When you need a good laugh, who/what do you turn to?  The Dilbert comic strips and Savage Chickens come to mind.  Yesterday I went to Chapters to get in on their “buy 4 get one free” book deal and picked up “I’m Better Than Your Kids” by Maddox and I’ve been laughing ever since.  It is definitely not everyone’s idea of funny though.  I read a couple of pages out of it to W and his face remained set in stone.

What game are you the champion of? Angry Birds, but only in my own mind. I work on getting all the stars and try not to look at any one else’s stats and get discouraged that there are people out there who are better at blowing up pigs than I am.

Would you ever take a cruise?  Maybe a river cruise would be okay, but for one on the ocean I think I might have to be heavily medicated the entire time.  I don’t like the idea of all that deep water everywhere.  Having never been on any kind of cruise I suppose it’s not fair for me to judge but my uninformed opinion is that sitting around on dry land would be a lot more fun.

A (Comic Strip) Book Character I’d Like to Be

When I answered this (almost identical) question on the 9th of August, over an entire MONTH ago, I wanted to be Luna Lovegood. Well, I have matured considerably since then.

Now I aspire to be Alice. Seriously. For one thing, just look at that hair! She gets to wear a pink suit, she is technically proficient and very highly paid, she has a coffee obsession and a magnificent ‘take-no-crap’ attitude.

Because of her violent temper, she often puts her “fist of death” to good use, even against her Pointy Haired Boss. She has drop kicked a computer off her building (killing a major customer), and accidently crushed a man walking by her cubicle by throwing her computer over the wall, and later been rewarded bonuses for these and other “cost saving ideas”.

Alice always throws the Pointy-Haired Boss a fairly long distance as a result of her annual performance review. (Once as she is threatening to yank him out of his cheap suit and hurl his naked body down the hall, Dilbert and Wally remark on how her distance improves every year.)

And she gets to say awesome stuff like “Okay, let me explain this in the simplest possible way… you…are…an…idiot.”

There are days when all Alice wants to do is scream and punch people. If I get her character down pat, maybe early retirement is in my future.

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