Getting It Over With

In the middle of the night I woke up obsessing about something I do all the time.  I just want to get things over with.  Mostly bad, unpleasant things, but often simple ordinary ones too that aren’t horrible at all, until I make them dreadful by wishing them away.  Like the last two hours of a work shift.  The time spent on a plane.  A road trip across the country which has me wanting to whine like a little kid – “Are we there yet??”  Waiting to do something or be somewhere or be totally finished with something.  I’m not always very good at enjoying the journey.

This wasn’t a dream, because I was awake, tossing around,  trying to find a comfortable sleeping position.  I imagined myself way back before my life began, in another dimension, with a group of old souls about to embark on our next life adventure.  There was excitement, anticipation, high hopes, elation.  And me, saying, okay, I’m ready, let’s just get this over with.

Well, I don’t think I can be held totally accountable for the all the weird things my brain comes up with at three a.m.

This morning I drove in to the city to the clinic where my needle biopsy was booked.  I made a conscious effort to enjoy the drive through Old Strathcona.  Rush hour was over, the sun was shining, I hit lots of green lights.  Found a parking spot on P3, took the parking lot elevator to the main floor, walked to the patient elevators and zipped up to the second floor of the clinic.  Checked myself in and was told the doctor was running behind.  Cheerily said, hey, that’s okay, and sat down to wait.

And wait, and wait, and wait.  There was a television blatting away behind my head, so I moved to the front of the room to get away from it.  Many different nurses called the names of many different patients for many different doctors.  None of them were me.  They called for Amelia, and got no response.  Same thing with Audrey.  After that, every five minutes someone called for either Audrey or Amelia.  Finally Amelia sauntered in from God Knows Where.  And eventually Audrey and her husband showed up too.  Amelia didn’t take long to be seen, but Audrey took for flaming ever.  I began to blame Audrey for making my doctor get so far behind.  I imagined giving Audrey a little lecture on the importance of not leaving the waiting room. I wondered why Audrey was so damned special and didn’t lose her place in line.  I wondered if I could get away with leaving the waiting room to grab a coffee.  Stupid annoying Audrey did it.  I imagined my file had been misplaced and everyone had forgotten all about me.  What the hell were they doing to Audrey, anyway?  Amputating her legs?

Eventually Audrey returned with a huge cast on her arm.  I decided I shouldn’t hate her anymore.  Because obviously we weren’t seeing the same guy.  Finally, my name was called (two hours and many magazines later) and I was led down a three-mile long corridor to a little room where two medical students and a doctor introduced themselves to me and asked me lots of questions, gave me lots of information and asked me to read and sign a consent form for the procedure.  All three of them took turns poking and prodding at my neck.  ( Is there any discomfort?  Well there is now. )

I’ve had a needle biopsy before, many years ago, for my thyroid.  It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t horrific either.  The doctor had to do it twice to get a sufficient number of cells.  So when the first student was wielding the needle with the doctor hovering over her shoulder giving her instructions and they decided it should be done again, I wasn’t really surprised.  The second student was more aggressive and less afraid to go deep, so her sample was good.  Yay.  Are we done yet?

I got a band-aid but no lollipop.  I was a good patient and helped in the training of two future medical professionals.  So good for me.  I got that over with.

Deep breaths.  Back through the clinic to the parking elevators, remembered where I left the car, paid twelve dollars to get it out of there, did some shopping in a store close to home and then after a quick lunch, crashed for a two hour nap.  All that useless hating on poor Audrey zapped a lot of energy I guess.

Tomorrow I will try yet again not to wish so hard for things to be over and done with.  It’s so pointless.  Everything ends, whether you wish for it or not.  Focus on the journey.  That’s probably how Audrey lives her life.

What keeps you going isn’t some fine destination, but just the road you’re on, and the fact that you know how to drive.  (Barbara Kingsolver)

Drift and Dream

October Post For Peace

This month’s Bloggers for Peace Challenge:  Let’s visualize what a peaceful world will look like.  What is your dream of peace?

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

As much as I love this guy, don’t worry, my vision of world peace doesn’t have Neil Patrick Harris running the show and calling the shots.

Ruler of the World would be an impossible job, unless we could all miraculously agree on some universal ideal and be okay with having that enforced until someone comes up with something better.  Everyone on earth happily following all ‘the rules’.   But we’re human, and we all know that’s not likely going to happen.  There will always be rule breakers, no matter how well-intentioned the rules may be.  Some of us would get bored in a hurry and decide to stir things up.  Some of us thrive on chaos.

And then we’d simply end up with a brand new mess.  Have you noticed that has happened before?  There are as many reasons for our lack of peace and happiness as there are individuals on this earth.  We’re a very unpredictable assortment of characters,  because each one of us has some inner battle to fight, insecurities and fears to face, wants and needs and goals to attain. Who wants to try to contain and control all of that?  Not me, and probably not Neil Patrick Harris either, if he stops to think about it for a minute.

My dream of peace is simply that everybody tries their hardest to learn to get along.  I just want all of us to stop fighting, have fun, and be happy.

And yes, I DO have some helpful hints.  I’ve been a MOM, after all, and what mom doesn’t wish for that kind of blissful family life?  I believe that these are some of the things we need to do to live more peacefully, teaching our children by example.  And then maybe we can spread the love around and reach all the “children” of every age all over the world.

1.  Love and be kind to yourself first. Be your own best friend, happy with exactly who you are.  You are worthy of love and acceptance and you deserve to be here.

2.  Never be afraid of what comes next.  Things over which you have no control are going to happen. That’s life. You will be okay. You will probably come out a better and wiser person on the other side of it all.

3.  Be grateful every day for what you already have in your life.  If you’re not, what makes you think you’ll be happy with more?

4.  A meaningful life is not made by becoming rich, popular, highly educated, powerful or perfect.  Emptiness cannot be filled by someone else or by many possessions.  Look after the spiritual you by staying real, by being strong, and by sharing yourself and touching the lives of others.  Money can’t buy you love, is what I’m trying to say.

5.  “People aren’t either wicked or noble.  They’re like chefs salads, with good things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” (Lemony Snicket)  Be kind, respectful and tolerant of others.  There is something good and worthy of love in every person you meet.

6.  “We are all going to die.  All of us.  What a circus!  That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t.  We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities.  We are eaten up by NOTHING.”  (Charles Bukowski)  Don’t get eaten up by nothing.  Life is much too short to waste even a minute of it.

7.  Don’t get so caught up in making a good life, dealing with life, or just floating through life that you forget to actually live it.  Stop chasing better tomorrows.  Today is yesterday’s tomorrow, and today is really all you’ve got. Make it marvelous.

8.  Give unconditional love to the earth and all of its inhabitants.  We are all in this together.

9.  All of your ancestors are right there behind you.  You are the result of the love of thousands and you are never alone.

10.  “Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it.  If we’re frantic, life will be frantic.  If we’re peaceful, life will be peaceful.” (Marianne Williamson)  Breathe the air, feel the love, share the joy.

Live a full, contented and happy life.  You can do it.  Love and peace are all you need.

Delightfully Different Life

Terry Kinden Bullying Prevention

Tomas Heartflow 2013

Fridge Magnet Poetry (Illustrated)

Complete This Thought

copy paste (Photo credit: razorfrog)

Start the sentence with I, add one of these words or phrases, and dig deep to finish the thought:…..am, want, have, wish, hate, fear, hear, search, wonder, regret, love, ache, always, usually, am not, dance, sing, never, rarely, cry, am not always, lose, am confused, need, should, dream…

Feel free to cut and paste and complete it any way you want.  I was going to do a sentence for each of them, but this is what happened instead.  Some muse or other took over and a kind of poetry happened.

What Am I?

I am old

But I want to stay young forever.

I have everything I need and yet

I wish for more.

I hate nothing but hate itself

And fear what it can do.

I hear only what I want to hear

And tune out all the rest.

I search inside for peace

And wonder if this is what it feels like.

Regretting nothing, loving fiercely,

Aching for time to slow down

While I’m running out of it.

Usually life makes me happy.

I am not complaining.

Even though I dance awkwardly

And sing off-key.

I never can stay sad for long

And rarely cry about anything

But I am not always brave.

I lose focus and become confused.

I need the quiet to bring things back

So I should appreciate it when it’s all around me.

Sometimes I dream so hard I can’t wake up.

Being Birdie Bijou

On a blizzardy night in December, as she tossed and turned in her big feather bed, Birdie Bijou Berengaria had a rather unsettling dream. She was walking across a beautiful ballroom filled with laughing, chattering, fashionable people when she looked down at herself in alarm. She was loosing her color, slowly blending in with the woodwork; fading, dissolving, disappearing. She called out to the people milling around her, but her voice was muted and soft and could not be heard. She reached out to touch a shoulder but her hand passed through the material and the bone as if they were mist, leaving no impression whatsoever.

This is totally unacceptable, she thought to herself, as she attempted to stamp her foot in dismay, but that appendage had mysteriously turned to soft rubber and made no sound at all on the ballroom floor. She began to back away from the horror of this moment, glancing furtively around for some way to escape when she caught sight of her now nearly transparent reflection in the gilt mirror over the fireplace. She was a little grey mouse. No shine, no sparkle, no flare. Nothing. I am nobody, she moaned in despair. I am vanishing. I will be gone and never missed, and no one will remember me.

Birdie Bijou Berengaria suddenly sat up in bed with a start. What do I have to do to get noticed around here? she wailed. And suddenly she knew the answer.

From that day on, Birdie was bold. She wore shimmering sapphire and blinding scarlet, ruffles and lace and jewels. She threw away all her sensible shoes and replaced them with glossy black buckled mary janes that clicked and clacked and stomped with a lovely great racket. She held her head high and adorned it with lustrously flamboyant bows. She felt radiant and glorious. And because she positively glowed, she attracted attention as never before. She smiled and laughed and basked in the sunshine of her new reinvented self and her wonderful, interesting, and now thankfully very physically solid, friends.

She was so delighted to no longer be overlooked and ignored that she never once stopped to ponder what actually brought about this gratifying change. Let her go on believing it was the giant winged hair bow that suddenly turned her life around. We know what really happened.