Digest This, SoCS 1

The rules for this prompt were made for me!  It’s how I write 99% of the time – no plan, very little editing, and stop whenever you feel like it!  So here you go.

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Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “digest.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

My grandma, bless her heart and all the memories she left us with, was a big fan of the Readers Digest magazine.  She subscribed to it for years and years.  It was a great way for someone with a short attention span to learn a little bit about a lot of things. I liked the reader submitted “jokes” even though most of the time they weren’t even remotely funny.  When grandma was in her late eighties she was still getting renewal notices from the magazine and decided it was time to sit down and write them a letter.  She asked them if they thought a woman of her age should still be getting magazines in the mail and would renew or not renew her subscription in accordance with their opinion on the matter.

The reason we know the contents of her letter is because she gave it to mom to mail, and mom thought she’d better open it up and check what grandma was telling them, just in case.  You had to know grandma to appreciate the wisdom of this decision.

I don’t remember what happened next exactly, although I do recall thinking the readers digest people weren’t likely to agree that she was indeed too old to be giving them her money.

Is Readers Digest still around?  I could submit this for their “Life’s Life That” category of unfunny jokes.  Probably too many words though.  They were always such sticklers for brevity.

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Just a Line

How to get rid of back pain, joints and legs in 7 days.

Please note: I did not actually read the article with this title on Facebook, so I am unable to enlighten you on what horrors the seven days have in store for you, should you decide that being joint-less and leg-less is for you.

The title was enough.  There are some things I don’t have to know.

for One-Liner Wednesday

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Animals with joints and legs.

Grim Reaper Gallows Humor

It’s another Prompt For The Promptless – Gallows Humor is humor that makes fun of a life-threatening, disastrous, or terrifying situation.

And often to scaredy-cat me, not funny at all.

Except when it’s in cartoon form.  Then it’s funny.

From the book "All My Friends Are Dead"

From the book “All My Friends Are Dead”

texting while drivingdeath works from homefear element

Swear Words – Pro or Con?

Profanity :O!

Over-use and mis-use are the real culprits here, not so much the words themselves. I know people who cannot put a sentence or an idea or an observation together without peppering it with profanities.

I think it’s wildly inappropriate to exclaim “God Damn, it’s a fucking beautiful morning!” There are better adjectives to express that sentiment. Curse words don’t actually make a lot of sense in this context. They simply make the user appear to have a rather limited vocabulary.

If I had a doctor who said “Jesus Christ, it looks like you’ve got a God damned sinus infection! Let’s get you some fucking medication for that. Where the fuck did I put my jesus prescription pad?” I would probably rethink my choice of medical professional. Well, after I stopped laughing, of course.

Words have power when we respect their meaning and select them with care and use them sparingly. If a kid thinks too many things are ‘fucking awesome’ I don’t really know what he means after the 96th time he’s made that same comment about everything from sky diving to his breakfast cereal. There’s a place for swear words in our language, but they shouldn’t be a crutch for everyday use. Look up some different descriptive words and phrases. Get a thesaurus, goddamnit.

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TGIF

June 02

T.G.I.F.

Thank.God.I’m.Feline.

by Ben Zulu (I do SO have a brain) Black Cat Extraordinaire

Yes, I am a CAT.  Maybe in your next life you will be so lucky.  I was an abandoned kitten, rescued by the SPCA (super people for cat adoption) and rescued yet again by a boy who, like me, saw nothing weird about falling asleep in one’s litter box.  Momentary lapse.  Nap attacks happen, what can I say.

I have survived many hardships.  Trips into the big scary back yard.  Being locked in a closet.  Baths.  (Shudder).  I have outlived Ash, the big old grey battle-axe cat from hell.  She taught me humility, subservience, and how to accept the blame for EVERYTHING.  The only mother figure I have ever known has bequeathed me all her old hiding places for my myriad of inexplicable fears.  But hey – I’m a cat – I don’t have to explain anything.   Now my life is mostly blissful.  As a cat’s life should be, of course.

Over the years I have developed a complicated communication system and a sophisticated two or three word cat language to inform my servants of my every need.  It’s not my fault that my telepathic powers are strong and their interpretive skills are weak.  When I want something I yowl.  Sometimes these people are so slow to figure out what I’m going on about that I forget myself what it was that was so damned important.

But, come on people, it’s not a long list.

1.   I am starving.  Feed me, for the love of God.

2.   My water bottle is empty.

3.   My litter box is full.

4.   Someone just left the house.  I could quite possibly be all alone!  Tell me to shut up so I know you’re here!

5.   If you don’t feed me NOW, I will die.  I swear, I will just keel over and DIE.

6.   I heard thunder.  Or a bird.  Or maybe just my tummy grumbling. Yowling will make it all better.  Throwing up all that extra cat chow I ate mindlessly five minutes ago might also help.

7.   I strongly suspect, using my great powers of deduction, that since there is a dog person in the house, there could very possibly be a dog skulking about somewhere.  I will yowl from one of my many undisclosed hiding places until I hear these magic words:  “Ben, cut it out!  The dog is gone, you moron!”

8.   I’m wasting away here.  Did you feed me today already?  Are you SURE?

9.   GAH!!! Human with nail clippers and cat brush approaching!  RED ALERT!

10.  There is no reason for yowl number 10, except that it is my god-given right as a feline to yowl whenever the mood strikes, day or night.  So get a grip and deal with it.  And don’t even THINK about taking me to the vet.  You don’t really want to listen to that yowl again, do you?

Oh yeah – back to why it’s great to be a cat.  Sorry if the TGIF title misled you.  Like I ever need to know what day it is. I get to sit and stare at walls whenever I want.  I can play with just about anything, except cat toys which bore the hell out of me unless they’re chock full of cat nip, in which case they are mildly amusing.  I can deposit black cat hair anywhere, just by being there.  It has become my mission in life to cover every surface in this house with bits of my beautiful black coat.  I will beat the vacuum cleaner.  It is foolish to think that a machine can defeat me.  I can curl up on laps and purr and snooze, and get my neck rubbed and my ears scratched…….

I have the most delightful little cat bed with a crinkly bottom that makes the most delicious crinkly noise when I step into it, and I have suddenly been hit with the strongest urge to just crawl in there and stretch and yawn and flex my claws and close my eyes………and…..was that the can opener?……nope….just one of those intoxicating dream sounds…..and you have to go to work?  Awww…..it sucks to be you.     Zzzzzzzzzz.