Tag Archives: June

Not Broken, Just Cracked

 

001

Or a little bent, perhaps..  Maybe a LOT bent and cracked and scrambled and ready to shatter with one more shove.

So get out the glue.

A good life isn’t necessarily a big life, or a long life or even an “important” life.  Whatever it throws at me, I’m happy to be living mine.

Well, what a lot of blather that was.  I’m sure I could go on and on avoiding the point for much longer than this,  but here’s the reason I’m currently allowing myself to wallow a bit.

About six weeks ago I noticed some swelling just below my jaw on the left side of my face.  I thought it was a swollen gland.  I went on holidays and more or less ignored it.  Even convinced myself that it was going away.  Then I got more swelling up closer to my ear, and on the 12th of June went to see my doctor.  She suspected a blocked salivary gland, maybe even a stone, and told me to go home and suck lemons.  Really.  I love her.  She also gave me a lab requisition to book an ultrasound, but the lab told me this type of ultrasound is more specialized and has to be booked at a hospital.  I was eventually scheduled at a new clinic across from the University Hospital for June 24th.

I had the ultrasound done around one o’clock and then drove straight to work from there.  At four thirty my doctor’s office called to say they had the results back and my doctor would like to see me as soon as possible, could I come in tomorrow morning?  Yes I could.  And could I bring someone with  me?  What? Why?  Well, for support.  Dead silence while I tried to digest this.  Really?  Is it that bad?  I felt sorry for the person who had to make this phone call because they’re not supposed to tell you anything.  But sometimes by not telling you anything they tell you a lot more than you want to know.

I’ve already been through a very similar experience with my thyroid investigation, when I was called in to the doctor’s office very quickly to discuss the results.  That was over ten years ago.  I had to go for a needle biopsy after that.  Those results were fine, but because of some pre-cancerous growths I was given the option of having surgery to remove the unhealthy looking bits and ended up with practically all of my thyroid removed.

After this phone call I spent a restless evening (with the help of the internet) imagining every worst case scenario there is, and a few more after that.  I wore myself out.  So when I went in to talk to my doctor the next morning (on my own) and she told me the radiologist thinks this looks like it could be a cancerous lump, I was kind of numb to it all.  Yes, okay.  So what’s next?  Blood work and urinalysis, which I had done in the same building right away, and arranging for a CT scan to be scheduled.  There are two specialists she can refer me to when we have the results, depending on which one is able to see me first.

Then I went home.  And now we wait.

I phoned W and he says he will come home.  I know I must talk to my kids and my sisters, although I would prefer that they be oblivious to it all for as long as possible.  Worry is such a piece of crap thing, ruining your day with no good result because it doesn’t change a thing.

And it might be nothing.  IT MIGHT BE NOTHING.  I have no other symptoms.  I feel perfectly fine.  I admit I’m feeling rather sorry for myself and it feels therapeutic just to put it all into words for now.

But here’s some things that boost me up.  Maybe this is the glue I was talking about.  The morning of the 25th, (which was the day after what would have been my dads 100th birthday) when I got up to make coffee, there were three magnificent magpies strutting about in the backyard.  I have always considered magpies to be a very good omen.  They remind me of my mom and my family.  I haven’t seen any of these birds around here for weeks.  Just as I was leaving for the doctor’s office there were FIVE of them out there, on the lawn, on the garage, on the new fence.  Flapping and squawking and not flying away. They haven’t been back since, but they were there when I needed to see them.

I pulled out my type-written notes and re-read some of the things the psychic told me last July.  Things that didn’t really register at the time, but now seem to make perfect sense.  New female GP,  some problem with my neck,  June 2014, two specialists,  some sort of procedure, not life threatening, trust that you will be in very good hands, everything is going to go much better than anticipated.

Am I a superstitious fool to take great comfort in the appearance of some magpies and in these words?  I don’t care.  I do.

CT scan is now scheduled for the 7th of July.  That’s fast.  That’s good.  There are happy days to be grateful for in the meantime.

Advertisements

Honor What is Ordinary

23 - Brene Brown quote

It’s a cold and blustery Sunday in June – windy, rainy, overcast.  A perfect day for sitting inside where it’s warm, having no place to go and thus some time to spend simply contemplating the meaning of life. (Did you fall for that?  I actually haven’t been contemplating any such thing, really.)  Or have I?  What I’ve been doing is realizing how joyful I am when I am not busy, not in a hurry, and not worried about anything in particular.  I am just happy to be happy with my completely ordinary existence. Grateful for all the simple, ordinary things in my life that I try to remind myself every day should never be taken for granted.

What brought all this on?  you may very well ask.  And also know that whether you ask or not I’ll still go ahead and tell you anyway.  I’ve spent the morning watching You Tube Videos of  Dr. Brené Brown.

Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, is an American scholar, author and public speaker, who is currently a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. Over the last ten years she has been involved in research on topics ranging from vulnerability, courage, authenticity, to empathy and shame. She has written notable books like The Gifts of Imperfection (2010) and Daring Greatly (2012), and she and her work has been featured on PBS, NPR, TED and CNN. (Wikkipedia)

I’m so impressed by what she has to say that I’ve downloaded her books to my Kindle.  Reading them is going to be next on my agenda for this lovely lazy day.

If you’ve never heard of her, here’s a Super Soul Sunday video with Oprah to get you started listening to her very wise advice about being enough, having compassion, and whole-hearted living.  It will lead you to many more links, and if you have the time, her TED talks are well worth the twenty minutes or so it takes to listen to them.

Listening to her talk has made me appreciate even more all the incredible people who are brave enough to tell their stories here in the blogging world.  What an incredible way this is to reach out and express how we feel, to give and receive empathy and understanding.  To know that none of us is ever alone.

I Love You June!

“If a June night could talk, it would probably boast that it invented romance.” Bern Williams

Starting off in the month of June is like starting off on the first day of a holiday and knowing that there are days and days to follow just like this one.  Because all that warm sunny weather in July and August and September is still to come and winter is far, far away.  It’s also the month of the property tax bill, but I’ve already paid that just to get it over with and make the interval from now until the next one that much longer.  And the longer daylight of this month is maybe the best thing about it.  Going to work in the daylight and coming home in the daylight – wow.  Makes me feel like work is not the only thing I did while the sun was shining.


There are birds in the bird house, seeds in the bird feeder, nuts and things in that little tray for the squirrel and green leaves on the tree.  A big black crow has taken a liking to the squirrel food and the squirrel is not amused.  It can get a little noisy out there.

And speaking of noisy, I was finally able to snap a picture of my elusive magpie, hopping about on the garage roof screeching magpie expletives at me.  There’s a reason why it’s called wildlife.


Sparkly shingles are not his natural habitat, although he does spend a lot of time up there pretending to be severely pissed off.  It’s actually my roof buddy, you need to get over yourself.  And come down to the ground where I can get a decent shot of your mad little face.

Photogravure of Robert Browning, 1865, printed...
Photogravure of Robert Browning, 1865, printed c. 1893 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“And let them pass, as they will too soon,

With the bean-flowers’ boon,

And the blackbird’s tune,

And May, and June!” 

Robert Browning

Well, I’m off to flip over all the calendars.  Be still my heart.  Have a perfectly beautiful June kind of day.