The Oxymoron Poem

I used to love this silly poem when dad would recite it to us.  He loved poetry and he loved nonsense.  So it was a perfect fit.

Ladies and Gentlemen!  Hobos and Tramps!

Cross eyed mosquitoes and bow legged ants!

Admission is free, please pay at the door.

Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

I stand here beside you to sit down behind you

To tell you all something I know nothing about.

One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back they faced one another,

Drew their swords and shot eachother, .

A blind man came to see fair play,

A dumb man came to shout hurray!

A mute onlooker shrieked in fright

And a lame man danced at the ghastly sight.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And came to arrest the two dead boys.

A paralysed donkey passing by

Kicked them all and made them fly.

Knocked them through a nine inch wall

Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.

If you don’t believe this lie is true

Ask the blind man.  He saw it too.

(There are other versions, but this is the one I remember.)

Bad Habits

Do I have any bad habits that I’m trying to kick? Well, of course not, being perfect and all.

Not saying I didn’t ever have any of those nasty things, or that it wasn’t pure hell giving them up. I’ve just found that the longer I live, the more excruciating the process of behaviour change becomes, and the easier it is to simply accept myself exactly the way I am.

We are all creatures of habit, aren’t we? So if one habit is eliminated, it’s just a matter of time before it gets replaced with a new and different one. The trick here is to stop calling the ones you are stuck with ‘bad’.

I like my habits. I choose to believe they are all excellently good ones that do not require kicking of any kind.

One of the very best habits I have is being able to talk myself into believing any kind of nonsense at all as long as it will excuse me from putting forth an effort of any sort.

Effort tires you right out. Getting off ones ass and doing stuff is just so highly over-rated. So I’ve made it a habit to do that as seldom as humanly possible.

Why anyone would want to kick THAT habit, I do not know.

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