Nothing Lasts Forever

image from weheartit.com

image from weheartit.com

Good things and bad things – they all come to an end eventually.  How profound was that, hey?  Don’t worry, there’s no deep and philosophical hidden message here.  More like a whining complaining mini rant about things over which I have no control.  Because I suck at endings and goodbyes.

Somebody told me I won’t be able to get my favourite erasable ink retractable pen anymore because they’re no longer being made.  WHAT??  That was shock number one.  I’m kidding, that wasn’t too horrible.  Shock number one is that Trifecta is ending and will not be issuing amazing challenges any more!  I know, I can’t believe it either.  I love Trifecta. This is like when great bloggers just wander off into the sunset and don’t keep up their amazing blogs and you wonder whatever happened to them and hope they didn’t die or something.  So all you bloggers out there who decided to just up and quit, please drop me a line that says hello, I’m not dead, if you’re not actually dead.

Our second year contact lens student who will be double licensed in June told me yesterday that she is going to apply for a management position that is coming available soon.  When these opportunities present themselves it’s best to make it known that you’re interested and available.  I know this, and mostly I applaud her ambition and wish her well.  But another selfish little part of me hopes she won’t get it and she’ll stay where she is working with me.  Because how is this not way better than anything else you could possibly imagine.  Anyway, that’s potential upset number two.

And now, the third shoe drops, (there are always three shoes)  I have just received an e-mail from my Avon lady telling me she is quitting Avon and doing something else instead and this week will be the last time she takes and delivers orders.  She breaks up our relationship with an e-mail!  I want to look her in the face and tell her how incredibly disappointed I am in her, because I was one of those customers who always ordered stuff, even when I didn’t need anything in particular because not ordering made me feel guilty.  Okay, I’ve just convinced myself that this ending isn’t such a bad thing after all and I don’t really need to get in her face.

Other endings that are not bad ones:

1.  Daylight Savings Time  (Who decided that taking an hour off the beginning of the day and tacking it on to the end of the day made the day longer?  Some jerk, obviously.)

2.  Trilogies.  After a long beginning and an equally long middle, I just want the story to get over itself and end already.

3.  Illnesses like flu and skin rashes and indigestion and hangovers. Yes, hangovers are an illness.  If you’ve ever had one, you know this.

4. Winter

5.  Bad relationships

6.  Good hair cuts, because that means the bad ones also go away.

7.  Candy Crush levels that cause serious fits of anxiety and temporary pattern baldness.

8.  Crazy work days and work weeks and all work of any kind.

9.  Headaches

10.  Monopoly at McDonald’s so we can go back to coffee cups with stickers you collect to get a free cup of coffee.  That way everybody wins.

So there are good endings.  And I know when something wonderful ends it simply means there will be a new beginning of some other wonderful thing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wallow in misery for a bit and feel sorry for myself and pout and whine about it.  It’s my way of accepting whatever happens.  Nobody said it was pretty.

In Praise of the Parody

I love a good parody.  It’s one of my favourite genres of literary composition – a humorous and satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature.  Reading one is a delight, even if the original was hard to take seriously in the first place and practically begged to be mocked.

So who better to take up this task than someone named Reid Mockery, with Fifty Shades of Beige.


Book Two is called Fifty Shades of Marker.   I hope more people will read both of these books because the world needs the entire trilogy.  Well, it really doesn’t, but I want to laugh some more.  At the end of the second book the author writes “I’m like everyone else. If this book does well, I’ll write the third one.  If not, fuck it.”

Yes, there’s lots of foul language, trashy dialogue and weird sex acts with too explicit descriptions, but I was laughing so hard that all of that was seriously beside the point.  Move over Ana and Christian, and make way for Annis Thesia and Bobby Beige in their messed up world which is laugh out loud funny.  Please Mr Mockery, pick up one of your beige markers and write book three.

F is for Fifty Shades of F***ery

There have been so many horrible reviews written about the Fifty Shades Trilogy by E. L. James that my mind was made up to not bother reading any of it.  But Book One got downloaded to our shared Kindle (by either one or the other of my daughters, doesn’t matter who)  (and if I did it myself, I don’t remember!) and so there it was, and I thought, what the hell, and started reading.  Finished it and downloaded the second one.  Finished that and downloaded part three.  Seriously, it’s like some kind of strange addiction to the weirdest fairy tale ever written.  Somebody called it “literary crack”.  It’s a modern-day fairy tale fantasy for a day dreaming adolescent, unbelievable in so many ways, and yet I found myself reading away, wanting to believe the unbelievable.  Because it’s just so f***ing unbelieveable I can’t believe it.

Quick character synopsis – Ana Steele, a socially awkward 22-year-old virgin (rolling your eyes already?) who has no idea she’s brilliant, gorgeous and desirable,  meets Christian Grey, a drop dead handsome 27-year-old billionaire control freak who flies a helicopter, owns a jet, lives in a penthouse, employs full-time security staff, has darkly erotic tastes, plays the piano, suffers flashbacks and nightmares from early childhood trauma, was seduced as a teenager by a family friend old enough to be his mother, is heavily into sexual role-playing, has self-loathing issues and been in therapy all his life, and is using his vast wealth to combat world hunger.  Yes. Really.

Even Quicker plot synopsis – They can’t keep their hands off each other or be physically separated without feeling suicidal.  There is a lot of angst.  They work it out.

There is really not much of a plot, very little character development, repetition that will drive you mad, a bit of melodrama here and there, but never any doubt whatsoever that it will all end blissfully and happily like every good romance does.  Oh yeah, and physical intimacy and gratification on every other page. Sometimes every page for pages and pages and pages.  If there were a sexual olympics, Christian and Ana would definitely be contenders.

Who can say why this trilogy is a runaway best seller?  It’s not literary genius by any stretch of the imagination.  There are many more talented writers out there.  I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it.  But I did read the entire thing.  Just like I read the entire Hunger Games Trilogy.  As for Twilight and Sleeping Beauty – couldn’t make it past book one in either case.

Anyway, now I guess I have a better idea what all the fuss is about.  Much ado about nothing much.  So of course perfectly suited to being turned into a full length movie or two!  My head hurts just thinking about it.  Read it for fun or diversion or to be a critic or to become a six star fan.  Or not at all.  More power to Ms. E.L. James who is laughing all the way to the bank in spite of what we think.  And threatening to write MORE!  I am SO biting my lip (and rolling my eyes) in breathless anticipation.