Three Sheets to the Wind

Envy’s a coal comes hissing hot from Hell.

(Oh yeah? Well that’s a cliché, and it’s just SO yesterday’s topic.)

Yeah, but I’m feeling it. I gotta ask, where did you get that righteous toilet seat? The one with the manatees on it? Man. I want one so bad.


Get out.

(I’m serious.)

Sweet. Hey, I’ve been wondering. Why can’t you buy a Texas Mickey in Texas?

(Same reason you can’t buy a manatee toilet seat in Canada.)

That makes sense.

(No it doesn’t.)

You’re right, it doesn’t.

(We shouldn’t have tried to drink the whole three litres.)

That’s 101 ounces in Texas, man. That much whiskey can make you see manatees in the damnedest places.

(Not to mention wicked envy.)

Did that make sense?


I didn’t think so.

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Overheard at My Own Funeral

I’m not having a funeral, or a memorial, or a wake or any of those morbid dreary things. (Anyone out there listening?) But if people decide to get together, I guess I’ll be in no condition to stop them. I sincerely hope they are smart enough to put the “fun” in funeral.  Celebrate my life.  And then please go ahead, guilt free, and get on with your own.

Maggie Miley’s Irish Pub

1. She choked on a ham sandwich? Really? Isn’t that how Mama Cass died?

2. She HATED the nauseating scent of a room full of flowers. Who the hell allowed this to happen? Get them all out of here. Open some windows.

3. I can’t believe the only stipulation in her will about the fate of her ashes is that they not be allowed anywhere near water. She was so weird about water.

4. Randy Newman singing “Feels Like Home”? Ooooooookay……..

5. Are we in a pub? Hey, that’s great! I’ll have an Irish whiskey and a couple of China White shooters. And some of that beer on tap.

6. This seems more like a celebration than a wake. People are laughing about the strange things she said and did in her life. She would have loved that.

7. I notice the people she vowed to haunt did not show up.

8. No memorial stone? No epitaph? No famous last words? But we’ve got a couple hundred copies of her BLOG here??? Huh.

9. I heard that her children and her grandchildren are making the world a better place. She loved them all madly, and they made her so incredibly proud.

10. Okay, if I have any more to drink I’m going to puke. Can somebody PLEASE axe that Randy Newman cd? Good party people! Keep in touch. Love your life.

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