Random Monkey Business

Hear No Evil

(Please, somebody, make her shut up for five seconds.)

 

See No Evil

(You’re blinding me with the flash bulbs!  Cut it out already.  Don’t make me throw my grape.)

 

Speak No Evil

(My lips are sealed.  I will never reveal to you the ending of my book.  Go away; your efforts are futile.)

 

Do No Evil. 

 (What?  We’re not doing anything.) 

Endearing Qualities

In my quest to stay upbeat and positive (when did that start, you might very well ask) I have edited my original title for this blog.  It was going to be something like “Habits that annoy the living shit out of me on a daily basis”, or some such shortened version of the same.  In all fairness to W. and the rest of the aggravating, irritating people in my life, I have to admit that probably 90% of my exasperation is self induced.  W. is merely my catalyst to crazy. 

Hmmm.  I’ve just imagined myself on the edge of a cliff, and there he is beside me, arm raised, finger pointed, ready to give me that final little push over the edge.  Okay, I really have to revise that image.  There he is, arms outstretched, hands clutching my arms, saving me from falling.  There.  Much better.  Phew.

Man it’s easy for me to wander completely off topic.  So my bitch for today is probably just an extension of the irritation I have at myself.  We always hate in others the things we despise most in ourselves.  I heard that somewhere, or made it up, or misquoted somebody.  Who knows.  Anyway, one of the things that threatens to unhinge me is W.’s inability to answer my questions to my satisfaction.  And I’m not talking about deep thoughtful insights here.  When I say “What time do you think you’ll be home?”  I don’t expect anything overly precise, like “6:34 p.m.”  Late afternoon, early evening, sometime today, I don’t know.  Any of those answers would be acceptable.  What I get instead could be any one of the following: 

– It’s been really busy at work, I’m swamped with deliveries.

– It’s been really dead, not much going on right now.

– This rain is supposed to last all day.

– I’ll stop and pick up a few things at Safeway.

– Do you want me to barbeque something?

Seriously, I am NOT kidding.  If I really want to know when he’s going to come home I have to ask him something else.  Like, “Do you think this rain will last all day?”  And chances are that then he’ll say “I should be home around nine.”  

It’s not like I haven’t tried my damndest to get him to give me a straight answer.  I’ve been working on this for thirty years and haven’t yet hit on the magic method of finding out what I want to know in a timely fashion.  Since he doesn’t do well with open ended questions, I quite often resort to the ones that require a simple yes or no response.  Or, I try to give him a relatively uncomplicated choice – this or that?   Quite often there’s no response at all to those.  Is he pondering the pros and cons?  Weighing the evidence?  Trying to make a wise decision?  Not paying attention to anything I’ve been saying??  F’ing DEAF???  

Lest you think I’m exaggerating our lack of communication skills, here’s a typical conversation beginning when I got home from work last night, W. sitting at the computer, me more or less talking to myself.

Hi.  When did you get home?  (I fed the cat.)  Did you have something to eat yet?  (I had a late lunch.)  Are you hungry?  Want me to make something?  (There’s leftover roast beef in the fridge.)  Okay, I’m making myself a sandwich.  Do you want one?  (What’s in the bag?)  It’s a gift for Aimee’s baby.  Want to see it?  (Your sister phoned.)  Oh!  What did she say?  (I didn’t know if you were at work or not.)  I always work Thursday nights.  What did she say? (Then she called me on my cell.) And she said……what?  (I’m going to pick Murray up on Saturday in Winnipeg on my way to Kenora.)  Hey!  That’s great.  I’m glad he decided to go to camp with you.  Will he be staying the whole time?  (Barney can’t come.)  Well, we already knew that.  How’s he doing after his hip surgery, did they say?  (Did you read the e-mail we got from Karen?)  That one you deleted before I had a chance to read it?  No, I did not read that one.  I can’t read deleted e-mails.  Sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  (She’s staying at the Westin the last week in May.  We should have her over one of those nights.)  How long will she be in town?  (She’s going to be at some convention or something.) For how long?  (I don’t know what it’s about, some nursing thing.)  How many days?  (I don’t think they have any evening sessions, so they likely wrap up around 5 every afternoon. I could pick her up and we could have a barbeque.)  Does it start on the Monday? Because that’s the only day that week that I don’t work late.  Remember my schedule changes when Laurie’s away on her holiday. (She’ll likely fly in the day before.)  What day would that be? (They bought a house in Whitehorse you know.  I wonder what that set them back.  I don’t know what the flight arrival times are from Whitehorse.)  What DATE does she fucking get here and what DAY does she leave town you deaf piece of shit?  (What the hell is wrong with you?  You really need to find another job.  You’re way too stressed out all the time.)  

Aww.  So sweet.  He cares about my sanity.  Imagine that.  Upbeat and positive me.   Wracking my brain to come up with a reason why this habit is endearing.  Perhaps it’s his method of keeping me talking.  If he gave me the answer, I’d say Oh, and the conversation might suddenly be over.  How sad would that be.  Then I’d go downstairs with my sandwich to watch tv and he’d stay upstairs deleting e-mails and watching old muppet show clips on YouTube.  Which, come to think of it, is pretty much what happened anyway. 

And I am not blameless in the lack of communication skills department either, I admit.  Well, I communicate, but I don’t always listen.  And what little information I do hear I don’t always retain.  I used to get phone calls for W. and people would ask me where he was and when he’d be home.  Either he didn’t really tell me, or I couldn’t remember what he said.  Once I went to check to see if his shaving kit was gone, to determine whether he was out of town or just gone for the day.  We have impressed countless numbers of people over the years with our lack of knowledge about eachother and our respective whereabouts.    How very endearing.