This Different Me

sue fitzmaurice marjorie pay hinckley

Last night I slept for eleven hours.  It’s amazing what a good long sleep does for your outlook on life in general.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself.  For one thing, I don’t want to write every day, even on days when there’s nothing of any consequence to write about.  Oh, hell, who am I kidding, that’s always been the norm here.  Now that I have something mildly interesting to talk about, I don’t feel like talking about it at all.  Apparently these days I prefer to sit down and stare off in to space with an empty head.  I suspect W is completely exasperated with me, because no matter how hard he tries I can always find a reason to be negative and bitchy.  I’m not so fond of this different me.  No doubt he isn’t either.

When I’m at work and some annoying person starts complaining about a random inconsequential minor stupid bit of nonsense (they’re all like that lately) I really would like to tell them to just please shut the F up.  I don’t care.  I’m sick.

My CT scan was done on the seventh of July, and now I have an appointment booked for August 11th at the University Hospital with an excellent doctor.

Surgical Oncology
Professor of Surgery
Divisional Director and Zone Section Head
Otolaryngology – Head and Neck Surgery

Does that not all sound excellent?  I’m sure I’m in excellent hands.  I should be feeling totally excellent.  Except that the ‘oncology’ word scares the living shit out of me.  He is also a plastic surgeon, so if half of my head has to be removed I’m sure he can build me something interesting to take its place.

The holiday that we’ve booked for two weeks with family in Ontario can go ahead as planned, leaving on the 26th of July and flying back on August 9th.  I have hours in the day when I completely forget about all of this.  What’s the point in worrying and imagining and dwelling on it, really.  I thought when I got to Day 16 of Jazzy and her happiness project and my life took this funny turn that I would have to put a hold on all her blather about happiness.  At least this different me realizes what a huge mistake that would have been.  I’ve had a couple of dark days but look, here I am.  I survived them.  I think life likes to hand you bad things you think you won’t be able to handle just to show you how strong you can be and that you can.

So until the middle of August, life is good.  We’ll have a fun holiday, a time to remember.  And perhaps after the middle of August life will still be good. Maybe it will just keep on getting better and better.  One way or another, life does go on.

See how weird this different me insists on being?  Seriously, stop it.  Okay.  I’m done.  Me too.

There’s not much more I can say on this topic anyway, since I didn’t ask any questions in the interests of ignorance being bliss.

Okay!  Has this bloggers block been broken?  Different me hopes it has.

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24 thoughts on “This Different Me

  1. Talk about it as much as want, or as little – it’s your prerogative. I think taking the time to find something happy (via Jazzy) each day is a good way to make tough days a little easier to handle. It doesn’t seem like they’re in a great hurry, which is probably a good sign. Hope you enjoy your holiday, and that life does continue to be good. Kx

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  2. Do enjoy your holiday. I’ve found that the obstacles in life make the things we take for granted (and the those things we’ve always taken for granted) that much sweeter and richer to experience again. Hopefully your time away this summer rewards you with an entirely new appreciation for loved ones, time spent together, and doing the things you enjoy.

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    • Yes, this has been a remarkable attitude adjuster. The things that seemed dreadfully important before and the things I took for granted seem to have switched places. Thanks for your beautiful comment.

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  3. Bloggers block is the pits, isn’t it? Yeah, I had a stronger word in mind but I know that you know…. As you know, I rely heavily on the moment passing. Seems I can write years of weekly blog posts about that but at times, I get a glimpse of what that might mean for me, and then, it’s the next moment. As for questions, I have found them not ever timely but the ones worth pursuing are persistent. Whatever your mood, I always enjoy stopping by.
    Karen

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  4. I’m glad to hear the update, uncertain as it may be. Different-you is still every bit as delightful, so carry on, we’re still cheering you. And I noticed that Jazzy recently marked the 1/3rd point, right? I felt happy for you to think of that 100-day mark closing in.

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    • You know, when I started the 100 days I wondered aloud several times what I was thinking….but it’s become easy for me to think of a dozen things every day that make me happy! Amazing. Oprah would be proud. Thanks for cheering me on. xxoo

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  5. Grandmalin, I’m sorry you are afraid.

    When you say “I suspect W is…”, it sounds like you and he aren’t doing much talking about this. I’m pulling stuff out of my arse here, AND butting in big time:

    One of a partner’s big jobs is to hold and support the other in bad times, and W. might not be able to do that well unless you talk a little more. If not about “it”, then just about how you’re feeling right now.

    (This is where I get to use my Asperger’s as an excuse for being wrong and a total ass.)

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    • You’re not wrong and you are never an ass. I love your blunt honesty. I’m overwhelmed by all your comments and that you took the time to read so many of my posts. Thank you thank you thank you….what an ego boost – hope you’re not completely bonkers now for all of that. Can’t wait for you to get back to blogging so I can wear out all the notification alerts on all of your devices…hahaha.
      W and I are muddling through like we always do. xxoo

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      • You made me laugh twice, and my two best friends (one in town here, and the other my sister) will get a good chuckle, too. I, never an ass? Good one!

        And “all” my devices, she asks, as she types away on a laptop with no working camera or microphone, one of the worst video chips known, an unsupported non-upgradable O/S, and the inability to even set a system password as an “undocumented feature”? (When you set one, you are locked out yourself, with the manufacturer required to let you back in…)

        And THIS is what I watch television on, for, despite cable service being free where I live, I don’t yet own a TV–other needs keep taking precedence like food, and medicine–and, I am happy to say, my recent purchase of an Orchestra seat at the National Ballet of Canada’s production of “Romeo and Juliet”–for even though I have no idea how I am going to pay my taxes in December, woman does not live by housing alone!

        A sample:
        http://national.ballet.ca/performances/On_Tour/Los_Angeles,_California/#/%23frame0

        Here is a link to, not the best dance, but a wonderful dancer: The Juliet I saw. Her arms!:

        (I admit it: I do have an Iphone. Yay!)

        Keep muddling. We’re all muddling along with you, you know.
        xxoo

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  6. It’s a tough time. You’re not different, it’s only your circumstances/status quo that may be. Either way, hang in there. Do what ya gotta do, or don’t do what ya oughtta not do. We’re standing by.

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    • I am hanging in there. Should grow longer fingernails maybe…. Yes it is a bit of a tough time but why should I be spared the tough times when nobody else is. That doesn’t really make me feel better. lol
      Thanks for standing by. ♥♥

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  7. Shout rave scream get it all out it means you are alive and kicking!! I can’t give you any advice for I have no experience of waiting on on a cancer scare , I have only had to deal with it in a friend or relative capacity. Kick it bash it . All I can do is send you a poem and a video. The poem I wrote for a friend , a neighbour and a relative who all were told they had cancer at the same time.

    My Red Shoes
    These are my, can do shoes!
    My not going to listen to you shoes! My get up and go shoes!
    My stamp on and kick the shit out of the blues, shoes!
    My ain’t gonna be be put on by you shoes! My skipping and dancing in the moonlight shoes.

    My walking the righteous path shoes! My who am I kidding shoes?
    My kicking up a rumpus fetch me my compass shoes!
    My who you looking at shoes, my cop an eye full of this shoes!
    My ain’t behaving well shoes. My dancing on the ceiling enjoying every second shoes!

    My in ya face, fall from grace shoes. My come and get me shoes,
    My tiny winy skirt shoes! My delights are on offer shoes!
    My need a thrill shoes, My ones and twos shoes!
    My I am bored shoes, my I want it now shoes!

    My singing in the rain shoes, My apple pie up in the sky shoes!
    My tipping the scales my way shoes, My light a candle say a prayer shoes!
    My uppdido shoes, my yabbadabbado shoes! My take a look at you shoes,
    My lookie lookie I just might let you touch shoes! My who am I kidding shoes, my I wish I was not such a wooze shoes!

    My when is my turn shoes? My fingers burned all hopes spurned shoes!
    My bridges burnt shoes, my lessons learnt shoes!
    My on my own shoes, My without a home shoes! My nothing left to loose shoes!

    These are my I can beat you Cancer shoes, My watch it! your days are numbered shoes.
    My we have your measure now shoes. My cut you out, kick you hard shoes,
    My grind you into the floor shoes!!My laugh in your face shoes!!

    MY I AM GONNA WIN SHOES!!!!

    And finally when I thought my life was over and I might not walk again I found this video. Sorry the quality is not good and I am not even a huge Dolly Parton fan but the way this young lad put his video together touched me and his smile really cheered me up. I am praying for you . Have a wonderful holiday next month!

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