Art du Jour 21

Don’t be fooled by the glasses – I am not missing my optician days.  Although I do sometimes dream about work.  Not exactly nightmares, but close enough.

I am very impatiently waiting for my new printer to be delivered from gawd only knows where.  (I know the company, but not its location.)  Ordered it on-line a couple of days ago.  Received a prompt email letting me know the order had been received and another one telling me the order had been shipped.  By ground.  So maybe dog sled. I don’t know.  Shipping is free, so I guess I won’t start complaining yet.

It’s nice to have a printed colour picture in front of me of whatever I’m drawing instead of trying to use my I-Pad screen which keeps going off.  My life is just so damned hard these days.

Hope everyone is having a happy first Thursday in December!  The fourth one is Christmas!

I know, it was happy until I mentioned that.  Sorry.  Pour yourself a nice glass of wine, you’ll feel better soon.

 

Hello Hello Again

Holy Cow.  What the heck happened to the first week of May?  My page-a-day calendar is stuck on Tuesday.   One more work day and then I’m off into the wild blue yonder, ready or not.  Feels like I’ve been packing for weeks, but there’s a real science to ‘packing light’.  I wish I knew what that means and how to do it.

My silly ducks have been landing in the backyard every day since I first saw them, once early in the morning and once or twice late in the afternoon.  Sometimes they perch on the garage roof until they’ve checked things out, then they swoop down and clean up the spilled bird seed.  And then off they go until the next time.  Sometimes they’re joined by a squirrel, a crow and a magpie.  None of these creatures was what I expected to attract when I hung up my bird feeders, but this little mini zoo is what I got.

The lawn people have done our spring clean up, and tomorrow we’re supposed to get the shingles replaced on the roof of the house and the garage.  I guess that’s cheaper than buying a new house once the roof starts to leak.  The shingles are supposed to last thirty years.  Weird to think the roof will likely outlive us both.

Also weird is a lady who told me today while I was adjusting her glasses that she must have the arms bowed out so that they don’t touch her temples on the way back to her ears, because every time the wind blows, her head swells.  I swear I couldn’t make shit like this up if I tried.  I just did what she wanted and didn’t ask questions.

There’s a few posts scheduled to appear between now and the 27th of May when I return, but this process also got weird for me.  Felt strangely like time travel.  Or tempting fate.  So I stopped.  Time for a blogging break anyway, going somewhere new and experiencing something different.  And thus having something new to talk about.  As long as no one expects an intelligent Greek history lesson, we’re good.

Catch you on the flip side. ♥

What I Did On the Last Day of February

1.  Wondered how it got to be the last day of February all of a sudden.

2. Spent seven and a half hours (by the clock) and seventeen hundred hours (in my head) at work. Friday has become the longest day of the week.

3.  Listened to cold people complain about being cold, sick people complain about being sick, and people with broken glasses complain about their glasses being broken.  Glasses I can try to fix.  That other stuff, you’re on your own. Now please go away and stop breathing on me.

4.  Came home and ate an entire bag of Brookside dark chocolate Goji with Raspberry.  But not the big bag.  Found myself not caring that the small bag might still be a bit piggy for just one person.  (I’ve tried them all.  They’re all delicious, regardless of bag size.)

5.  On the advice of my baby sister, sat down and watched some episodes of Psych on Netflix.  Was happy to discover that even though I was tired, I was not too tired to laugh.

6.  Thought about this fun month doing Cin’s Feb Challenge and felt a bit sad that it’s over.  Today is ‘selfie and brag about your fun month’ day.  I’m too tired to brag, but trust me, it was awesome fun. Thanks Cin. ♥

This is not really me, but close enough.

Now I’m going to go to sleep for the rest of this month and tomorrow if all goes well I’m going to wake up in a brand new one.  The one where spring might actually happen.  Yay!  If it doesn’t, there’s always Netflix and chocolate.

Effective Interpretive Dance

I can’t say from personal experience that this works, but I’m going to keep the option in mind.  Being cross-eyed and green probably helps too.  This guy has a lot going for him.

Yesterday a very nice lady asked me what lenses she could purchase for her glasses to enable her to see across the room in dim light.  She did not want to hear that there is no such thing and that we did not have magical optical solutions for this particular problem.  Try brighter light bulbs.  Or a miners hat.  Or get off your ass and go closer to whatever it is you’re trying to see in the dark. I didn’t say any of these things out loud but I’m working on my dance moves to get this kind of message across.

Perhaps I will be retiring sooner than I think.

A Fork Tale

Daily Prompt: 

Write a post about anything you’d like, but be sure to include this sentence somewhere in the final paragraph:

“He tried to hit me with a forklift!”

***********

Clifton Carmichael is a dutiful son.  He goes to visit his 89-year-old mother in the seniors residence every day and patiently listens to all her complaints.

The food is terrible here.  Everything is mush.  The coffee is like dishwater.  And those caregivers!  Why do they always mumble and never speak up.? And they don’t listen either.  I tried to tell them that some of my best articles of clothing have been lost by the facility laundry.  Anybody could be wearing my things!  I wanted to keep a look out for them but someone has gone off with my good glasses too.  I don’t think I’m wrong to strongly suspect that old coot, Ernie.  You remember Ernie?  They’ve forced me to share a table with him in the dining room and he is downright cantankerous and extremely unpleasant.  I have no idea why.  I try to be nice, I surely do, but I do not like him, not one little bit.  Why, just the other day he rudely disrupted dinner by waving his cutlery around at me in a very menacing manner.  Clifton, are you listening to me? 

Hmmm…?  Of course mother.  Ernie.  Are you getting along any better with Ernie now?

He tried to hit me with a fork, Clift!

A forklift?  Mama, don’t be ridiculous.  And don’t fret, nobody could get a forklift past the security doors.

A fork, Clift.  FORK!  FORK!  FORK!

Mother,  please!  Shush – such language!  You’ve imagined the forklift.  I’ll get the nurse to give you something to calm your nerves.

Get her to give something to that Fork King, Ernie, why don’t you? He’s the villainous silverware fiend!  Oh, never mind.  Nobody listens to me.  Go home Clifton.  I can look after myself.

Yes. Yes, alright.  I do believe you can.

Clifton Carmichael sighs as he gets up and kisses the top of his mother’s silver head.  Forklifts in the dining room.  Good God, he thinks as he bids her goodbye, what next?

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Sweet Shallow Sixteen

Sixty Four (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Daily Prompt:  Sweet Sixteen  When you were 16, what did you think your life would look like? Does it look like that? Is that a good thing?

Really, how far into the future does a sixteen year old girl dare to gaze?  I don’t remember having any lofty aspirations about my future or any definite long-term goals.  The short-term was more than enough to keep me as completely stressed out as only a teenager has the energy to be.

If my sixteen year old self had drawn up a list of things I desperately wanted out of life, I expect it would have looked something like this:

1.  Get drivers license.

2.  Borrow brothers car.

3.  Find a boyfriend who looks like Donovan.

4.  Let hair grow super long.

5.  Get through second year of highschool with marks of 85% and up.

6.  Go on a car date.

7.  Be seriously kissed.

8.  Learn how to roller skate.

9.  Get a summer job.

10.  Buy some nice clothes.

11.  Have a clear complexion and perfect (PERFECT!) make up.  Every day.

12.  Wear panty hose with no runs or snags or holes.

13.  Figure out how to dance without looking like an idiot.

14.  Sit at the back of every class and pop glasses on in emergency situations only when no one is looking.

15.  Avoid all boys with agricultural backgrounds and even the slightest chance of having a farming future.

16.  Think up a really good reason for missing church and convince mom of its validity.

17.  Remember to shave legs

18.  Never ever miss a homework assignment.

19.  Buy enough records to fulfill membership agreement with Columbia Records and then quit before going broke.

20. Stop smiling so much, because it’s making weird crease marks on your face.

Till I See You Again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There’s something to be said for making attainable goals, because I was able to check off every one of these objectives in my sixteenth year, right down to the Donovan-like boyfriend and getting seriously kissed.  Both of which scared me half to death.

When I heard a rumor that classmates thought I was a bit stuck up I decided to start smiling again.  If I’d worn my glasses I would have been able to recognize people from a distance greater than 3 feet, and perhaps that would have made me appear more friendly.  But the truth is I was very self conscious about wearing my glasses, and being shy and half blind can easily be misconstrued as conceit.  I was actually a very nice person, even if I wasn’t all that deep.

It’s impossible to say if my life has become what I wanted it to be then, because I had no clear vision of it beyond getting through high school and living in a city someday at that point.  Maybe I’ve never set the bar high enough, or been ambitious enough, or sufficiently driven and determined to do great things.  But I’ve also never really been disappointed in myself either, or dissatisfied with how things have played out.  Is that a good thing?  I think it is.

Just the Facts

Anyone remember Dragnet and Joe Friday?  It was one of the first television shows I ever watched.  This guy was always trying to get people to stop voicing their opinions and making wild assumptions about whatever crime he was investigating, and just stick to the facts.  Week after week he had to keep reminding them.  So just for you Joe, five random facts about my day. (With some opinions and wild assumptions thrown in.  Sorry, it’s human nature.  You should know that by now.)

1.  One of the best mood lifters in the world for me is to go to work leaving my house looking like pigs live in it and come home to find it sparkling clean.  I do pay for this miraculous service and believe me,  it is worth every single penny.

2.  I have been studiously ignoring January and not bothering to hate it.  If it does pop into my head I just make a quiet wish for it to go away.  Look how well this is working for me!  It’s over half gone already!

3. There is no kind and polite way to tell someone her kid is a little shit.  Chances are she suspects it already anyway.  (This particular darling boy had two pairs of mangled glasses that looked like they’d been in a food processor.  On high.)  Mom wanted to know why they were such a mess.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t really want to hear my honest opinion so I kept it to myself.  Her child will probably grow out of the glasses mangling stage at some point in his life.

4.  Someone found my blog by searching for “fish hair“.  For once in my life I am at a loss for words.

5.  The temperature outside is two degrees above freezing.  What month is this again??  Back to normal and 18 below (celsius) by Sunday.  Sometimes normal sucks.  But that’s okay.

WOOHOO!  Tomorrow is FRIDAY, Joe Friday.  And that’s a fact.

Dreaming About No Job At All

My dream job would be to sit at home, read books, play on the computer and write incredibly interesting stories all day long, getting paid millions of dollars every two weeks for doing any or all of those things.

Unfortunately I can’t find this position advertised anywhere and fear that right now no one is hiring.

A dream job I imagine should involve doing something you’re good at and enjoy, so my second choice would be to become a national frame buyer for our optical department. Because whoever is doing it now is a flaming moron. I might also turn out to be a moron at it, but certainly NOT a flaming one.

If we had some awesomely incredible frames on our frame bars perhaps I would stop inwardly cringing whenever someone asks me for help choosing eyewear. Or maybe it’s just a conditioned response and there’s no cure for it, I don’t know.

I am so excited to be taking 6 weeks off (three more working days to go!) so that I can start collecting early CPP. It’s just one more little baby step towards retirement which I never thought I would long for, but there it is. This six weeks will be a mini preview of things to come.

Well! Is that not my dream job coming true? Except for the millions of dollars part, which I suppose I could get by without if there’s no way around it. I want to write, even though I may be a flaming moron at that. As long as no one tells me, ignorance is bliss, and I’ll keep blathering away. And to have the time to read and read and read – heaven on earth.

No-Fail Ways to Make Me Roll My Eyes

Speaking of eyes…..some day at work I fear my eyes are going to roll back into my head and disappear forever. I’m an optician and contact lens fitter and I look at eyes all day. I give advice and instructions and try to be a helpful problem solver. The job is not without its challenges and serious eye rolling moments.

There’s the guy who puts his new glasses on his face and immediately declares that he can’t see a damned thing. (Wow. Glasses that cause instant blindness.)

There’s the contact lens patient who wears her 2 week disposable contact lenses for 6 months and then complains that they’re dry and scratchy and making her eyes all red and irritated. Doh.

There’s the mother who insists her child get a pair of glasses that are much too big for him, because he will “grow into them”.

There are the customers (mostly women, but not always) who try on 300 pairs of glasses and insist that you and everyone else in the store state an opinion on each one. But they don’t actually listen to anything you say.

(I don’t like the green one on you. The color is all wrong. No, that green does nothing for you. I really hate what green does to your skin tone. Stop picking up that damned green frame please. IF YOU PUT THAT STUPID GREEN FRAME ON YOUR FACE ONE MORE TIME AND ASK ME WHAT I THINK I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU.) Okay, well maybe that one went a little beyond the eye rolling stage.

Then there’s the people who are not happy with their own natural beautiful eye color and would like to be perceived as having two shiny blue glass marbles stuck in their heads where their eyeballs should be. (Ask me how great my colored contact lens sales are – the answer will make your eyes roll.)